Strength - 053
Hey there,
Rainbow Power
Every day when Golda gets dressed she accessorizes with superpowers. Her dress (and it's always a dress) informs her abilities. Some days she's "pink girl" or "heart girl."
She's recently had polka dot power, butterfly power, and rainbow power.
It's adorable.
Once during spring break, she and I went swimming.
She stood on the ledge ready to jump. "...But I'm scared!"
I remind her that she can do hard things. She's done this before. She takes a deep breath and whispers to herself: "Whew. I got this."
Then....she jumps.
No rainbow power needed.
She's starting to realize the compounding affects of mental strength. When we do one hard thing, we realize we are capable of doing more hard things.
This month I'm thinking about strength–mental, emotional, and physical.
Do we find it? Create it? Where does it come from? And what happens when we feel completely powerless?
Let's go.
It's not going to kill you.
We are Not Strong
Earlier this month, the schools in Highland Park were on lockdown. One threat sent everyone into re-running the drills that the teachers and students never wanted in the first place.
My friend Annie, who's a teacher there, told me how horrifying and triggering it was even though in the end, there was no active shooter.
But everyone remembers the 4th of July parade last year, where 7 people were killed.
Since then, my Facebook feed is littered with profile pictures and hashtags of "Highland Park Strong." Running through town, I saw signs in every window: "HP Strong."
Actually I think that's the wrong word.
This kind of Strong implies we have been hardened by pain.
"Don't let this horror get to you. Don't show emotion. Don't talk about it."
We have grown a shell to protect us from emotion.
But with Annie's comment, it's clear to me that beneath the shell, we are not strong.
We are on shaky ground. Vulnerable. We need healing.
We are one event away from the chaos of a deep relapse.
Instead of strength in emotionlessness,
I see strength in vulnerability.
I see unity in sharing our weakness and asking for help.
I see power in figuring out the hard stuff together.
I think the intention of HP Strong is more like "HP United" or "HP Together" or "HP is Home."
But no one wants that sign.
We are not strong.
We are not ok.
And that's ok.
Where does strength come from?
While I sat at the head of the table leading a Passover Seder for eight adults, I was reminded of my early memories of the same dinner. 30 or more people would gather in playful pandemonium. The older patriarchs of the family– Uncle Ben, Uncle Shim, Papa Harold– in full suits, leading the meal and drinking their big goblets of wine. The kids wearing black olives on their fingertips and throwing hard boiled eggs across the table.
This year, it was serious. Quiet. Maybe even boring.
Which raises a question that I've been asking myself for a few years now:
What holds a family together generation after generation?
One of my initial answers was strength of tradition.
That might be true, but where does that strength even come from?
I've come to believe that it's much simpler than that.
I think it's three things.
A new generation willing to receive the torch– committed to hosting and taking over the duties– is a crucial part of continuing the traditions. Underlying this idea is the concept of shared values: that everyone shares the value of keeping tradition alive and family togetherness.
Making gathering easy. This has to do with having a house or homes that make it comfortable for everyone to be together. Geographic closeness can facilitate emotional closeness. And making it lighthearted. Inside jokes and playful jabs require active participation and everyone being somewhat self-aware enough to poke fun at themselves.
Age. It sounds simple but if siblings and cousins are closer in age, it makes it easier to relate to each other. When we feel like the people around us get us, we want them to be around more.
These three elements build stronger bonds within families.
These elements foster a connection to family history, cultural traditions, and each other.
When people feel connected, they feel invested.
And with investment comes return.
Getting Stronger
Right after college I got into strength training.
(No, I never got as ripped as I wanted. But I DIIIID go to the gym every day and wear those cheesy weightlifting gloves, drink lots of pre- and post-workout shakes and eat lots of protein.)
I learned how muscles grow.
Every time you lift weights, your muscles tear a little bit. They break down and need to rebuild. If they get protein and water and proper rest before being torn again, they grow. To keep growing, we need to keep increasing our limits and stretch them in new ways.
The more I thought about it, it's the same for mental and emotional strength.
The more we face the thing that rips us a little bit, the stronger we get.
The more hardship we face, the more we realize we're able to take on.
Strength of mind is endurance.
Strength of heart is resilience.
When we do the hard thing that pushes our limit, our minds to grow.
We heal. And rebuild in ways that make us stronger.
Hey, can you spot me?
You Are Strong
I don't think about a chameleon as particularly strong.
But in my research this month, I read that "A chameleon's strength is its ability to blend in."
Strength.
It has strength.
Its strength is what it's good at and what makes it unique.
You do too.
You are not like anyone else.
That is your strength.
Our greatest strength is to give and receive love.
...
Thanks for reading this month's refrigerator. As always.
I'd love for you to forward this to someone who might need some strength right now.
Or at least a reminder that they're stronger than they think.
(You are too.)
Refridgeyalater (it's a thing now),
Jake
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