Truths - 043
Summer 2022
Hey {{FirstName}},
This past month, Abraham turned 1. And I turned 37.
As expected, his felt much more monumental than mine. I wrote him a letter for him to open when he's older about some of the things I've learned in my life so far. Not facts or even advice. Just things that in my life, have held up as true. At least for me.
I thought it might be a fun way to spend this month together. To write a list of 37 things that I have learned to be true. So far.
Here they are in no particular order.
1. Documenting my life has made it more meaningful.
And interesting. I'm able to see patterns in my behavior by mapping out places I've been. Or reveal who I spend the most time with by taking photos and keeping data.
2. Everyone thinks they're right.
Everyone. Even Brett Kavanaugh. It's a humbling reminder that the people I disagree with all believe they are doing the right thing. Just like me. And even more, if I had their life experience, I would believe what they believe.
3. Fitting in isn't the same as being accepted.
Fitting in is changing who I am for the group. Acceptance is having the group welcome me in. Authenticity matters.
4. A list isn't a goal.
List making is a system to maximize experience, not to cross off items as quickly as possible.
5. Goals are nearly all arbitrary.
Double my income? Read 5 more books? Lose 10 pounds? The goals I set are made-up numbers. Goals help with short-term, competitive motivation. But when I need long-term motivation, changing my goals to habits and defining the identity I am stepping into feels better. What should I do now that I am an entrepreneur, a reader, someone who is in shape?
6. My failures have come from my success.
Because I am good at generating big ideas, I often neglect details. Because I pride myself on being well-rounded, I'm rarely able to commit to just one thing. In other words, my weaknesses complement my strengths.
7. I will mess up my children in some way.
No matter what I do, or how perfect I think I am as a parent, something I say or do will stick with them that will affect who they are. This insight isn't depressing to me, it's actually liberating.
8. Relationships are conversations.
The quality and depth of what I talk about determine the quality and depth of the relationship. So improving them is just a matter of learning to ask better questions and then learning to listen.
Drawing by Wanjim GIM
9. The system isn't broken, it was built this way.
In my work to be more anti-racist, I'm beginning to see that our economy, politics, and culture was designed to benefit straight, cis-gendered, able-bodied, white men. Way to go, Brett Kavanaugh. But yeah, also me. It's not fixable. To help rebuild it, I have to use the privilege I have been born into to elevate marginalized voices and create opportunities for a more equitable future.
10. My marriage is more important than my kids.
Ok, this is possibly controversial, but if my marriage falls apart, so would my kids. By improving my marriage, not only will my kids will grow up with a better model for a healthy relationship, but our home environment will be better.
11. I can create my own definitions.
When I spend the time defining some of these things for myself, I'm less caught up in the world of "shoulds" and "oughts" and worrying too much about what other people think. I can define things like "success", "good day," or even "friend." I can define traitor, too (see: Ginni Thomas).
12. It's easier to be busy than to actually think.
How's work been these last few weeks? Busy, huh? Everyone's busy. It's a competition that no one wins. But when I stop to think critically about what I'm doing or even why, I get clarity on whether or not I should even be doing it in the first place. I'm conscious to never answer "how are you" or "how's work" with "busy."
13. I can give myself permission.
I don't need someone else to tell me to rest, stop, take care of myself, travel, go offline, spend money, brag, hide... I can give myself permission to do whatever I want.
14. Gratitude is an antidote.
When I feel jealous or resentful, I find that when I catch myself in that feeling and try being grateful, it takes the poison out of the action. Thank you for worrying about me. Thank you for teaching me something. Thank you.
15. I learn fastest when I don't care if I'm bad.
I'm an awful clarinetist (never had one lesson) but I don't mind. Being great first requires looking silly, being bad, making mistakes, and embarrassing myself.
16. The loyalty and trust I've spent decades building can be broken in an instant.
Can you keep a secret? Good, so can I. But I haven't always been able to.
17. "Cool" and "nerd" used to be opposites, now they're the same thing.
I'm impressed by deep focus and time taken to learn intensely. Oh, and not trying to fit in or be popular. (Ah. Right. #3.)
18. My life is lived in paradox.
In order for happiness to be felt, I need sadness. In order to have trust, I need the threat of betrayal. Loyalty is meaningless without temptation. Faith doesn't matter without doubt.
19. I will recover from almost everything.
A few bad days or even months doesn’t make it a bad year. And a few bad years doesn't make it a bad life. Another similar lesson from parenting: everything is temporary.
20. If I put ketchup on it, it's probably not good for me.
No exceptions.
21. External perceptions rarely match internal reality.
Engagement, babies, and selfies on vacation aren’t signs of happiness, success, or strength of relationships. Also, what I think I want is not always the dream it's hyped to be once I get it. Sort of a "don't meet your heroes" but for living or "never date a 10" but for work.
22. I need comfort in one area of my life to do something uncomfortable in another.
Leaving LA or moving to New York; ending a relationship; traveling alone in China and Japan; taking on a new kind of work or even eating a strange food seems to work best when I have stability somewhere else. In my work, in my finances, in my home, or in my relationship.
23. The duration of a relationship rarely indicates the impact.
8 years ago, Lauren and I were visiting Turkey. We had a tour guide for, like, 2 hours who became my best friend. We still talk about him. A 7 month relationship has changed my life more than my friendships of 7+ years.
24. Quality is about putting thought into details.
In everything from clothes to a birthday card.
25. Breakdowns are precursors to breakthroughs.
My biggest epiphanies, milestones, and life-changing moments all came after a major loss.
26. Harsh criticism is rarely about me, it's often about the giver.
Real feedback and notes are trying to make the work and me better and I can reject the rest. (Unless you're someone like Brett Kavanaugh. Criticism about you is definitely just about you.)
27. (Sometimes without meaning to) I teach what I need to learn.
I also give advice I want or needed to hear. I write what I need to read.
28. I can be easily persuaded when I don’t know what I want.
I just need to spend the time to form an opinion. (See #12.) And it's usually ok if I ask for more time.
29. In making work for an audience, I am not the expert, they are.
I have theories and hypothesis for what will work. But in things like comedy or design, the audience and users ultimately decide.
30. What I focus on becomes my life.
All the more reason to practice monotasking.
31. It's rarely personal.
What people say isn’t always what they mean. They don’t always have the vocabulary to express their emotions and so it comes out different than they actually feel. So “I hate you” might mean “You hurt me.” And the things I'm critical about in other people are more about me than it is about them. Reinforced from #26.
32. Everything is a data point.
Each project, job, experience, and relationship in my life is a point on a scatterplot. If I try to draw the line connecting them too early, I'm going to be way off. Instead, I have to create more data points for the trend line to be made clearer– in who I am, what I do, and how people perceive me.
33. Everyone is broken.
It was a mind-blowing realization that we’re all working through our own shit. My parents and coworkers. From my friends and people I look up to. No one is perfect or normal and I don’t need them to be. I often just need them to explain their weirdness and own their abnormality with humility.
34. Wisdom requires beauty for impact.
A great idea needs something to catch people’s attention, captivate them, draw them in and sit with the idea. Art (as a book, film, painting, photograph, sculpture, act...) is a medium for impact.
35. The things I love about people are not always the things they love about themselves.
And vice versa.
36. Good conversation, like good art, forces me to have an opinion.
All great work makes me see something in a new way.
37. I am embarrassed of things I used to be proud of.
My portfolio, my saved conversations, old lists and goals, and even people in my life. It's the surest sign that I'm growing and changing. May we all look back on our beliefs and actions with embarrassment. Especially Brett Kavanaugh (who is not a subscriber of this email).
Maybe I will read this Email Refrigerator in the future with a little cringe.
Let's hope.
Sculpture by David Altmejd
Whew.
Thanks for reading the whole way through. This was much more challenging than I expected, but it was meaningful in taking the time to articulate my beliefs.
I'm curious what doesn't feel true to your experience? Or what is something you've felt but never articulated like this? Let's get into it. Or feel free to share it with a friend who might get something out of this.
Have a great month, {{Firstname}}.
I appreciate you.
-Jake
If this is your first time getting the Email Refrigerator and you want more, sign up here.
Read all the other Email Refrigerators here
Want to keep your inbox cleaner? No hard feelings. Just click here to change your settings.