The Unknown - 072
The Unknown Road Ahead
Let me start by saying that this whole refrigerator is not about the election. Like any other month, it is inspired from the feelings I'm marinating in right now. And have been since early morning November 6th.
There's a lot of unknown.
We have no idea about what's to come in America and the rest of the world.
And the truth is, we never really have known. Looking back on 2020, I'm reminded about how we face the unknown road ahead.
Some people find escape in substances, video games, and alternative realities.
Some turn inward and become depressed, anxious, and lonely.
Some people channel their fears outward into protests, riots, crime, and violence.
Some find new outlets and excuses for art-making, community-building, and lifestyle changes.
I think particularly with the great unknown right now, our nervous system kicks into high gear and we assume the worst. On the day of the election results, I turned off my phone and went outside and read a book. Just a few pages. And synchronicity is a funny thing. We look for meaning and understanding and relatability in what we observe and consume. I read this passage:
"You seem to be holding a bag of trash but if you know there's actually a diamond inside, you'll sift through the junk until you find it. Your mind has a lot of trash, and often tells you there's no way out of your situation– there's nothing great about this. But if you decide that there is, you'll keep looking until you find it."
I want to explore the unknown. Yes always; but maybe especially this month.
How do we fare in the face of such a dramatic and unknowable future– as individuals, as community, as a country, and as a world?
How might we shift our understanding of things unknown and where might we feel different in sitting with the discomfort of ambiguity and uncertainty?
The unknown is scary. But let's agree that we've got diamonds to look for.
Tesco Soup Cans by Banksy (whose identity is still unknown)
The Elephant in the Room
My friend Jeff always wants to play this game he made up. He calls it "Name the elephant." Whenever we're hanging out, he makes a point to stop and figure out what we're not talking about but need to be. I don't actually like playing it. Usually it's pretty uncomfortable. But I will say it's had an effect on me. It's become harder for me to compartmentalize feelings. If something needs to be said, I have a hard time ignoring it nowadays.
In fact, I was supposed to write about another topic this month. I plan out my refrigerators several months in advance and November's was slated to be about friendship. And then, at the beginning of the month, things changed. It felt wrong not to talk about the election. The unknown.
Wait. Let me take you on a quick tangent. Earlier this year I created a workshop for Caveday called "The Anti-Procrastination Playbook." One of the strategies for dealing with procrastination is to welcome it in. There is something that shows up when we do challenging work that makes us stall. Call it the mythical force of resistance or the demon of creativity or just call it Jimbob. That thing is an embodiment of a fear. Maybe it's a fear of failure. Or a fear of success. Whatever it is, is a fear. And when we ignore the fear or pretend it's not there, it gets bigger and scarier. But when we can say "Hey Jimbob. I see you here. I know you're trying to protect me and make things easier. But I actually need to do this work. You don't have to leave but I also don't have to let you drive this project." Ok let's come back.
Name the elephant. It's scary, sure. But calling it out makes it smaller. Addressing it makes something scary, and manageable. It's empowering to see that shift we can create.
We have these cultural taboos: sex, failure, death, money, estrangement, conflict... And yes, politics. We don't talk about them because they might reveal something uncomfortable. They might bring up big feelings and conflict.
And to that, I say bring it on.
We can handle it. We can feel big feelings. We can navigate conflict. We can learn. We can be wrong and change our minds. We can try to articulate something without it being, well, articulate.
These elephants get bigger if we let them. But we're the grownups, after all. We get to decide what to talk about.
And I say let's talk more about elephants.
Animation by Pi Slices
Three Short Analogies in the Unknown
Enjoy The Ride
Roller Coasters are meant to be scary. That's why we go on them. Assuming seatbelts are on and the mechanics are all properly working, the risk is pretty small. The odds of a roller coaster jumping the tracks is basically zero. But there's just enough risk for it to feel scary. And when the rush is over and we're safe, we can exhale and talk about the fun. But we have to trust that we're going to survive and be safe. Sometimes we have to build our own safety net, pack our own parachute, and buckle our own harness. But at least then, the only thing to do is strap in and enjoy the ride.
Mystery is Sexy
Relationship expert Esther Perel says that "...for long term partnerships, we often trade instability for comfort. The challenge is knowing how to bring in elements of instability and uncertainty to make the familiar new." Because eroticism has elements of instability. We often seek the rational and safe choices of stability. But we get tempted and excited by the mystery in the unknown.
Mob Mentality
When we join a crowd, the whole point is that we are unknown. At a concert or event. At a protest or demonstration. Moving to New York City. We disappear into the sea of people. We can get away with things.
Because we're unknown.
The opposite is being held accountable. When we are known and seen, we are on the hook for our action. We can get the blame when things go wrong. But. We also can get the credit when we do things right.
"Alone Together" painting by Chema Mendez
Crossing An Unknown Sea
When we wake up in the morning, the day ahead is unknown. We start a journey unsure of the final destination and how it will feel when we get there. Every day.
We're often afraid of the unknown because of what it means– That we're not in control. That we're insignificant. That we might fail. But that's all that being alive is. To both fear and explore the unknown.
What can we do but know that everything ahead of us is unknown... and just try and enjoy the moment we're in?
We can find comfort and build resilience when we expose ourselves to small uncertainties over time– building up a tolerance for things unknown. That might mean not finding out the sex of a baby before its born. But it also might mean not putting the address in Google Maps. Or to order food or furniture and not check the tracking about where it is exactly and what minute it will arrive at your door. Little uncertainties help us grow more resilient.
We're actually quite good at dealing with uncertainty. We don't wake up every day freaking out about not knowing what the rest of the day or the week will look and feel like. Instead, we just live. We focus on what's in our control and try and make things a little better, a little more pleasurable, a little more fun and pleasant. Because we're going to do it again tomorrow. Here's to braving the great unknown. together.
Refrigeyalater, Jake
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The Email Refrigerator is a monthly delivery of essays, poetry, imagery, and thoughts, written and curated by Jake Kahana. Why a refrigerator? Well, it's where we look for snacks, a little freshness, and where we hang the latest, greatest work. And besides, "newsletter" sounds like spam.