Endurance - 071
Now, but Forever
I'm an extrapolator.
At least that's what I'm calling it.
Whatever is happening in the present moment, I project into the future. Today's situation will extend and persist into the future.
I've written before about how a few hours into a road trip feels like this is my life now. Forever and ever.
Maybe that's why I follow through on projects. That I've written these emails for 71 months in a row. When I make time, I keep making time. When I start making, I keep making.
But it's also why I get anxious about starting bad habits, breaking the rules with my kids, and arguing with my wife. Because it feels like we'll always be that way. We'll always be going to bed late, having popsicles and chips for breakfast, and being impatient and disconnected from each other.
I think things will last forever.
WIth our kitchen under construction right now, we've been living at my in-laws the entire month. And the discomfort and out-of-routine-ness and habit-sliding we've been doing feels like that's the way it's going to be forever. I hate sitting in this discomfort because it feels endless. I learned that because I feel this way, I seek to resolve things quickly. I try and find solutions– get more rigid in my habits, seek social connection and exercise as catharsis.
In short, I'm not good at endurance.
Withstanding hardship. Persevering through discomfort.
As I think about marking a year of hostages being held in Gaza, ongoing climate disasters, another divisive and stressful election season, I want to explore endurance– how we persevere through discomfort and make things last.
Here it comes. Take a breath.
Let's go.
Ernest Shackleton's famous ship, "The Endurance" for his voyage to the Antarctic in 1917.
After the ship sank into the Weddell Sea in the Antarctic, the crew were left stranded in make-shift camps on the ice for months.
Don't Yuck My Yum
I'm running late so the Lyft from the airport takes me directly to dinner. We were invited to my son's friend's house and my family was already there. Everyone was waiting for me, so when I walk in we immediate sit down to eat.
"What were you doing in LA?" the father asks with a mouthful of pizza.
It's always pizza.
I tell him I was hired to lead an offsite. My friend started a new job and is managing two merging teams. He wanted to do some team building and establishing team agreements. It was actually really fun, but a lot of work, I say. I did about 2 weeks of preparing for this. Researching methodologies and outlining the structure of the day, integrating little moments of magic and a theme throughout the day. Then it was a full day of facilitating conversation, active listening, being on and telling jokes and reading the energy of the room all day.
"That is my literal nightmare," he replies.
I hadn't thought that this work was difficult or unattractive before. I love this kind of work, actually. Teaching to a classroom full of students or speaking to a full room have been some of my career highlights so far. But I get that that's not for everyone.
Author Mark Manson has a funny name for this kind of skill– In his 7 questions to find Life Purpose, he asks "What's your favorite flavor of shit sandwich?" Elizabeth Gilbert mentions it in Big Magic. Jerry Seinfeld has asked "what is the torture you're comfortable with?"
I'm starting to look for full-time work for the new year and this idea has come up a lot in my interview preparation. Knowing the venn diagram intersection of the things that I love doing that most people hate doing is where I feel unique. It's where I'm capable of making a difference.
We are all good at things and enjoy things that come naturally to us.
Some of these things other people hate.
I love learning new things. I love creating organization systems to clean up messes– IRL or digitally.
I'm good at public speaking and teaching.
What is the thing you love doing that other people avoid and hate?
Mmmm.... that's a good shit sandwich.
Systems for Sustainability
As I write this, I'm on a plane heading to lead an all-day offsite in addition to 3 paying jobs. I'm interviewing for full-time work, managing the contractor who's renovating our kitchen, and of course parenting two kids under 6.
My proverbial candle is being burned at both ends. All the ends.
But I know it's not forever. It's just a stretch. In a month our kitchen will be done. In 2 months, most of my work will wrap up, and I hope to have an offer for a full time job in the new year.
We all have stretches of intensity in our lives:
The first month and the first year of a newborn.
26.2 miles.
The end-of-year project.
2 years of grad school. 7 of med school.
When we know that intense periods have endings, it makes us able to endure a little bit more.
The way we endure the intensity varies.
For a few weeks of discomfort living without a kitchen, it might not require much structure. Just grit.
But a year or two of going back to school while working... life with kids... or even a marathon shows us that we need systems to help us endure. "The wall" people speak of in a marathon comes around 20 miles when your body literally does not have the stored energy needed to continue. With a combination of re-fueling, social motivation, and mental toughness, we're able to push through and finish.
Systems of sustainability allow us to endure.
When we're feeling burned out at work, a mental health day might not be enough to recharge. A week vacation might not fill our empty cup.
Instead, a system is a collection of activities and people that keep us going.
Every hour – what is something that will help you re-focus in less than 5 minutes? Usually a stretch or a snack.
Every day– what is something that helps remind you how strong you are in less than an hour? Something that breaks up the day and helps you put down work and everything else to find some flow? Usually exercise, music, a walk, social connection, a puzzle or game.
Every week– what is something that will help you separate work from non-work? A weekend ritual, time in nature, sleeping in, or extended flow activity?
Every quarter– what is something that helps you recenter yourself and your values? Could be an artist's date with yourself, an afternoon at the museum, a day at the spa, time with a close friend...
Burning candles at both ends is not sustainable.
And a day off or a single yoga class is not going to magically make things better.
The system that helps me endure is ongoing and part of my life.
Systems aren't selfish. They're required for sustainability.
Home Stretch
A friend without kids recently asked how we manage to deal with the added needs, schedule, exhaustion, and work that comes with having two kids. And my simple answer was just, "you get used to it."
It's not just kids, of course.
Whatever we're enduring right now can feel harder because it's new. We're not used to the extra weight and stress it's putting on our lives. But in the end, humans are resilient.
We adapt and endure.
We get used to it.
Thanks for being on this journey with me.
I'm grateful you're here and always happy to hear from you.
If you're able, please vote this week. It's never been more important.
Refrigeyalater,
Jake
Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Princess
Sabaa Tahir, A Reaper at the Gates
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The Email Refrigerator is a monthly delivery of essays, poetry, imagery, and thoughts, written and curated by Jake Kahana. Why a refrigerator? Well, it's where we look for snacks, a little freshness, and where we hang the latest, greatest work. And besides, "newsletter" sounds like spam.