Opposites - 070

Written By Jake Kahana
 

Bigger and Smaller

I'm in high school health class and Mr. Boyce asks the class what we want to be when we're older. Lawyer. Doctor. Startup founder. Teacher.
"Famous," I said.
"For what?" He retorted.
I had no idea. I suppose I just wanted attention. Recognition for doing something creative. I wanted to be as big as I could imagine.

In college, my new friends shared this aspiration with a little more clarity. They wanted to be screenwriters and comedians, actors and directors.

I've internalized that goal-- that success means fame. And the bigger I am the more successful.

In July of 2021, Caveday was featured in the New York Times Sunday business section front page. We have thousands of paying members, tens of thousands on our mailing list. And yet I still am hungry for it to be bigger.

Flash forward to today.
This month I joined a local entrepreneurs community. In our meeting it became clear that I am holding opposite goals. First to be famous. And second to be smaller. To strengthen my local community and be helpful to my neighbors. Bigger means anonymity and depersonalization. I want to stay smaller.

This month I want to explore opposites. How we hold paradoxes, where is the disparity in our language, and how our time and energy contrast with one another.

You in or out?

 
 

Truth and Lies

Here's a trivial truth: you're older than you were when you started reading this sentence.
Older now than when you opened this email.
And you will go to sleep tonight older than when you woke up.

The Danish physicist Niels Bohr famously said that "There are trivial truths and the great truths. The opposite of a trivial truth is plainly false, while the opposite of a great truth is also true."

We know that "truth" and lies are opposites. So they must have opposite definitions. And if a lie is "saying the opposite of what you believe to be true", then a truth is a belief that you feel is real. Which means that it is about perception of reality.

Here's a great truth: I'm old.
I'm a few months away from turning 40. I remember when my mom turned 40. I don't relate to my teenage self and I barely remember full years of my twenties. I remember life without internet and email and I went to college before smart phones. I've paid $1 for a movie, bought a digital point-and-shoot camera, and remember going all the way to the airport gate to pick up my uncle.

But the opposite it also true: I'm young.
I have 40+ years of work left in me. I am only 3 years into a 30 year mortgage and don't remember "The Reagan Years." I grew up with hundreds of cable TV channels and had a laptop in college and cell phone in high school.

We live our life driven by great truths:
Who I am is defined by what I do.
Being a parent is draining, relentless, and unsatisfying.
People are stupid and untrustworthy.
Now is not the time for risk-taking.

But here's a reminder that the opposite of what we believe can also be true.

 
 

Faith and Doubt

I learned a new word this month.

Theodicy.
It's pronounced like "The Odyssey" which is itself interesting, given its meaning.
It means "maintaining faith and belief even when evidence is pointing to the opposite."

When I first read it, it was in a religious context. That even in a world that shows evidence of chaos, terror, disaster, and evil, you still believe that god is benevolent and good.

I don't imagine the Email Refrigerator is where people come to read about belief in god.
But if we take the context out of religion, it's a concept that resonates with me.

Even though I have clear evidence that people are untrustworthy...
Even though I see terrorism happen and racism exist...
Even though anti-Semitism is rampant...

I still believe in the goodness of people.
I have faith in humanity.

 
 

Structure and Freedom

I'm explaining how Caveday works and she cuts me off.
"It's just not for me" my friend says. "The rigid start times, the rules of putting your phone away or keeping your camera on... it's too much for me. Structure feels like an obligation and obligations are draining to me."

That's an insight I'd never heard before.

For so many of our thousands of members, the structure is THE SOLE REASON they come. They need the start time and the facilitation. They need the no late entry rule. The structure gives them energy. In fact, it's why we created it.

It was a hard truth to understand but I started thinking about other examples.

Work– As with Caveday, there are people that thrive on blocking calendars, going to meetings, and creating rituals for their day. Structure helps. But I'm learning there are so many people that thrive on loose calendars and unplanned days.

Childcare– I see some parents planning weekends and after school activities for their kids. And I see some parents with none. Surely if the parent believes that being busy is energizing, that lesson gets passed on.

Travel– I grew up in a house where our travel was exhausting on purpose. We were up at 6am and filling our days with as much as we could do. We didn't come home rested, but we certainly came home "full." As an adult, I've learned how to rest, put down the map and agenda, and enjoy unstructured time away from home.

Exercise– It's the difference between wanting to go to a class and being told what to do by a trainer or showing up to the gym and figuring it out as you walk in. Sometimes the obligation of a class feels like more work. Sometimes the stress of not knowing what to do next is draining.

While it's important to know where each of us lands on this spectrum, what might be even more valuable is to know what works for the people we spend time with– how do our kids and partners and friends and students feel about structure?

Is structure another draining obligation? Or is it a freeing process to fall back on?

 
 

Internal Reality and External Perception

This workshop I went to this month was a bit like group coaching.

In the introductions, the 8 of us shared one interesting thing about ourselves.

About an hour in, one of the exercises was to write positive and negative phrases and stories we've heard and believe about ourselves. Then, in a leap of vulnerability, we had to pick a negative one, and wear it as a post-it note on our shirt.

As we stood up in a tight circle and scanned the notes, it was clear how our perceptions differ from the inner realities people face. Wildly successful people felt they weren't enough. Beautiful, creative, put-together people felt ugly or boring.

It was my reminder that in a world influenced so heavily by polished imagery and AI perfection, that we all present ourselves in a way that hides the dark, heavy stories we're all carrying.

There's plenty of light, too. There are a million reasons why you are awe-some and enough and capable and strong and beautiful.

As we step out into the world today, just a reminder of the hidden weights everyone else is carrying that you can't see.

Thanks for reading and responding when you do.
Today, I'm grateful for you (yes you).

Refrigeyalater,

Jake

 
 

Yoohoo! It’s me again...
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PS - What I Meant and What I Said

In the course of my researching the topic of opposites this month, I came across a handful of words that mean its opposite. Here's a handful of other words that can mean their opposite as well.

  • I've tried to explain to my kids that when an alarm goes OFF it actually means that it went ON.

  • My cleaning crew DUSTS my house to get rid of it. But the plane DUSTS the crops to add pesticide.

  • My direct report made a mistake. It was her oversight. But she was my oversight.

  • SEEDED and PITTED - Did they add them to my fruit or take them out?

  • The Oxford English Dictionary has added the definition of "FIGURATIVELY" to the word "LITERALLY."

  • In the brainstorm, I TOSSED OUT a few ideas to the group. But they were pretty quickly TOSSED OUT.


The Email Refrigerator is a monthly delivery of essays, poetry, imagery, and thoughts, written and curated by Jake Kahana. Why a refrigerator? Well, it's where we look for snacks, a little freshness, and where we hang the latest, greatest work. And besides, "newsletter" sounds like spam.

 
Jake Kahana http://www.jakekahana.com
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