Jobbing - 062
Hey friend–
First of all, it's called "Jobbing"
Ok. I've had this idea for about a decade and I'm finally making it.
I've learned about myself that the itch that comes with an unrealized idea goes away once I bring it to life.
(Maybe that's a topic for another Refrigerator.)
So here's the idea: I believe that looking for a job and looking for a partner are the same thing.
I stopped calling it "Job hunting" because we don't call it "date hunting."
If it's dating, then it should be called "jobbing."
Here's my attempt at putting words to thoughts. It's a little different than what we're used to.
Ahead of Valentine's Day, let's talk about partnership and commitment.
🥰
Ready to mingle?
The Job Market is The Dating Pool
There's a lot of mediocrity out there.
If you're using AI to write your applications or bios or search, expect to find average.
Everyone wants to find the right match without doing the work.
We all want to skip the awkward conversations, the self-promotion, and waiting for The Call.
But it's not really possible.
The only way to stand out and to find a stand-out is to do the work.
You may find the right fit just by searching an app.
But is it real? Who knows if they just posted as a formality? Or a backup?
Timing is everything.
You both have to be ready at the same time.
Usually the holidays are not the ideal time to get serious.
People are either too busy or checked out. 🎅🏻
Want the best advantage? Get a friend to make an introduction.
It's always easier if you have an in.
And, like most things in life, it becomes both easier and harder once you know what you want.
It's a good place to start.
The Perfect Match
People want three things when they're looking:
Someone who knows themselves
Where would you fit in? What are your strengths? What kind of people bring out the best in you? Who would bring you down?
You know a catch when you see one. It's worth the extra effort.
Go for it! (Especially if it feels a little scary.)
In both dating and jobbing, it's important to know your worth.
Don't settle just because you're feeling a little desperate.
If it's been a while, most people would agree it's ok to build up some confidence by having a conversation with someone you know there's no future with.
But don't string them along and definitely don't ghost them. Ghosting is for people who don't have the confidence to treat someone like a human. 👻
Someone who’s interesting
You have to have a personality and a set of skills that can fill a need.
Being interested, asking good questions, answering honestly.
Everyone wants a sense of humor. Everyone thinks they have a sense of humor. But really, what we're talking about is that your sense matches theirs.
Playing it cool is attractive. Making bold moves is attractive only if there's some momentum. Someone who seems like they have a lot going on makes them more desirable.
Effort followed by reward
Despite most people's initial feelings about avoiding work, people want a bit of a chase.
When you know you want something, you want to feel like you have to earn it.
Or at least that you HAVE earned it.
If there's no chase, when we get what we want, we often question if we overvalued them in the first place.
Most people are ok being teased as long as there's follow-through and reward.
Playing the game can actually be more fun.
So. What's your opener?
The First Meeting
It's called research, not stalking.
It's homework so you know what to ask about.
You probably tried on a few outfits to feel out what's going to give the right first impression.
Do you have an escape plan if things are nosediving?
Ok, show up a little early. No, not THAT early. Punctual.
You've got a little bit of nerves.
Should you call that out as an indicator of how excited you are or how important this is for you?
Or should you try to hide it?
Is that them? No?
Put your phone away. You're content with your own thoughts. You're confident.
Ok! That is them. Stay in your seat. Let them come to you.
Stand up. Smile.
Here we go... 🎢
The Spark of Interest
Accept the first offer.
Water is great. Sure, let's sit outside.
Small talk can help feel out the energy. Tell a story from your day.
Smile.
Nod.
You're in the shallow end now, when you're ready, start moving your way to the deep end.
Ask about something more "real."
Ask a follow-up question.
Play trust tennis: you share something a little personal, and then they share back.
Show off just a little but in a humble or self-deprecating way.
Don't talk about your ex, unless directly asked. (In which case, keep it short and touch on why it ended and what you've learned.)
Any red flags 🚩 yet?
You hope things are going well.
Look for the indicators: a genuine laugh, a touch of the arm, a "yeah, I could stay longer."
Use your body language. Sit up straight. Lean forward with interest. Mirror their body position.
Going to a second location is always a good sign (and also a good way to speed things along).
Ok, you've likely made up your mind if you want to do this again.
If it feels mutual, be direct about the follow-up timing- let's keep this going, when are you free?
If not, be vague- great to meet you, talk soon!
"You Got The Job" is "I Love You"
You've had some fun.
You've impressed them with who you are and things are getting serious.
Maybe you can tell that things are about to go to the next level.
Remember: nothing is owed to you. This isn't yours because you were charming. You don't deserve it because you asked some good questions or made someone laugh.
There's an offer coming.
But only if they expect that you'll reciprocate.
No one wants to hear silence after the first "I love you." 🦗
No one wants to invite you to join their team unless you're going to accept.
Have you convinced them of that?
DTR and Negotiating
Ok what are we doing here?
It's time to have a hard conversation.
Let's get exclusive.
No one likes to be with someone who wastes their time.
If you're not ready, leave. It's only going to get harder to say so later.
If you don't get chosen, it's easy to take it personally. Timing matters and it may just not have been a good fit. It's not you. If it's not right for both, it's not right for either.
Make sure that before you even come into this conversation that you've thought about what you want. It's possible this conversation comes as a surprise to you.
It seems like you should give the answer they want to hear.
But you're better off being honest and saying what you actually feel.
Where do you want this to go?
Either you're going to lead them on or you're going to get taken advantage of.
It's not too late to mess things up.
Be considerate. Be open to compromise. Be generous.
There's no game.
No playing coy or hard-to-get.
Just get to an agreement as quickly as possible.
Some people need an important title. Some people don't.
Some people want the upper hand. Some people just want belonging and support.
Some people ask for everything up front. Some people get their foot in the door and renegotiate later.
At this point, we all want the same thing:
mutual commitment.
And once the terms are agreed upon, it's time to celebrate. 🎉
Quitting and The Breakup
When you're envisioning a future together and then things don't work out, it can be heartbreaking.
But things change.
If it's in the early stages, you could be dumped over text, an unexpected email or short phone call. Rough. ✌️
Go treat yourself to a nice coffee or lunch, go for a run, and pump yourself up to get back out there.
But once things start getting serious, that change feels like a bigger deal.
As you spend more time together, you see something you didn't notice before. A red flag grew out of nothing. Things are different than what was agreed upon (or at least what you expected).
Or you're the one who checked out.
And once you've made up your mind to leave, it's hard to come back.
So you do some internal negotiation:
what would it take for me to stay? how can I leave in the least dramatic way? Can I still ride out some benefits while I'm scoping out my options?
When you realize that there's no future here, the longer you stay, the longer you prevent yourself from being with someone else where there is one.
So whether you've got something lined up or not, the next step is confrontation.
To get to the other side, you must hurt someone you care about.
Long Term Commitment
The relationship is alive.
It is its own organism.
It grows and reacts to the energy that you bring.
Your job, together, is to guide it to grow in a way that works for both sides.
After some time, you’ll see that what once felt like an adjustment and effort now is a good fit.
Maybe the novelty wore off, but with that comes security, comfort, and belonging.
Your job, together, is to continue to rediscover the magic.
(Remember why you started)
Once you commit, the stakes are lower.
A little disagreement isn’t enough to leave anymore.
Maybe you complain to your friends, but it’s something to address and discuss.
Then you move on.
There’s a slow realization that you’ve built up credibility and built something that supports each other.
Ending the relationship would mean starting over and building from zero.
The other fish feel less desirable and the sea starts to seem much scarier. 🎣
As you find your fit, as you co-create this relationship, it becomes who you are.
The rules are changing though.
What’s expected of a partner and what commitment looks like is different now than it was for our parents and grandparents. The new rules make finding the right fit and committing for years or decades more complicated. And definitely less common.
It doesn’t mean that it’s worse than it was in previous generations. Just harder.
And your job, together, is to pave the way for the next generation.
Thank you for reading this month's exploration.
And for allowing me to experiment a little with the format and concept of the Email Refrigerator.
I don't take your attention and time for granted.
Refrigeyalater,
Jake
The art this month is all by Aiste Stancikaite.
Oh, hey it’s me again. Just following up.
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The Email Refrigerator is a monthly delivery of essays, poetry, imagery, and thoughts, written and curated by Jake Kahana. Why a refrigerator? Well, it's where we look for snacks, a little freshness, and where we hang the latest, greatest work. And besides, "newsletter" sounds like spam.