Light - 061
Miracles and Light
By next year, when Golda is in public school, Hannukkah will be different. It’ll be more closely tied to Christmas and will be asking for presents.
But this year, Hannukkah was simple.
We cooked and ate potato latkes, had jelly donuts, spun the dreidel.
And of course lit the menorah.
The timing of Hannukkah this year felt particularly apropos.
The world right now feels particularly dark.
Literally, of course. 10 hours of daylight.
But it's also feeling divisive. Hateful. Dire.
For eight days this month, we lit candles.
Hannukkah, after all, is a celebration of micacles and light.
Just one candle can dispel darkness. And each progressive night, the light in our house gets brighter.
We put our menorahs in our window to spread that light outward to the world.
Sitting in this darkness with you, I'm focusing on light.
I'm creating a spark to share. I'm hoping it'll catch.
Ready?
Unheavying Work
Every Monday at 930am, I lead about 120 people in a 3-hour session of undistracted work.
It's been a year since I started leading the Cave at that time, and over the last 52 weeks, I've built myself a surprising reputation:
joke-teller.
That's a humble way of saying that some people find me quite funny.
(...aaaand there goes my humility.)
But I don't just tell any kind of joke. I tell dad jokes.
Purposefully punny, eye-roll-worthy, groan inducing jokes.
What do you call a magician who loses his magic? ... Ian.
Last night I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.
Boss: How’s that new glue? Me: 👌
My first justification for telling these jokes is to help people have fun during work.
I can tell a few jokes and now they look forward to showing up and doing their work.
On a break, they get some levity in the form of a laugh.
My wife complains that I don’t buy her flowers. But to be honest, I didn’t even know she had a flower shop.
People think “icy” is the easiest word to spell and I don't get-– ...oooOHHHHH! I see why.
Football Coach: I need you guys to make a play. (8 months later at opening night) Coach: Wait wtf is this
My second justification is that this is how we can all approach our work.
Roll your eyes and groan? Or smile and enjoy?
There's sociological research showing that dad jokes actually help build resilience.
The British Psychological Society says that "[kids will] gradually build up a strong immunity to judgment and embarrassment, and actually feel empowered to be themselves." By telling them, we expand their ability to withstand emotional discomfort.
By committing to the bad jokes, I'm showing others and myself that I don't care what other people think.
I find myself feeling more confident in sharing other things that I like... even if no one else does.
I'm also reminded that I have the ability to make someone laugh.
Have you heard about competitive camping?? It’s in tents!A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but toucan play at that game.
So far, Humpty Dumpty is having a terrible winter. Which sucks because he had a great fall.
And so do you.
Lighten Up
Right after Thanksgiving, both kids got sick.
Double ear infection, RSV, pink eye. There was a little vomit in there, too.
I canceled all my meetings and scrapped my to-do lists for two days.
Around dinnertime each day, I noticed that I started feeling frustrated. Angry, even.
I was mad at myself for not getting any work done.
It feels silly to even write that, but it's true.
If this were anyone else, I'd be so much nicer.
Don't be so hard on yourself! You're taking care of your kids! Your work can wait!
Lighten up!
But I'm not nice to myself.
And neither are you.
We are SO hard on ourselves.
We assume everyone is effortlessly successful. Crushing it.
Everyone gets all their to-dos done, has extra time to rest, and makes more than us.
No one struggles like we do.
But we don't see other people's messy lives or consider their struggle.
So when we fall short, when we struggle, when we have setbacks, we're completely self-deprecating.
And we're hard on the people we're closest to (just ask your mom).
Is it because we hold ourselves and our loved ones to higher standards than everyone else?
Is it because we know that our moms and our selves can take the abuse?
Or is it because we have a politeness filter for everyone else? In which case, should we be more filtered for ourself? Or live a little more unfiltered?
Regardless, this is an invitation to be a little gentler on your mom. (And dad, partner, and siblings while you're at it.)
It's a reminder to go easier on yourself.
Whatever you do is enough.
You're doing great.
Lighten up.
Animation by Carl Burton
Light in the Dark
For those that don't have kids, the best word I can use to describe it is: relentless.
There's the up at 3am cleaning poop out of bedsheets, screaming on the floor of the supermarket, runing the dining room table and favorite sweater in the same moment, can't hold an adult conversation anymore because I have to chase after my toddler who's going to fall down the stairs...
It literally does not end.
In catching up with a college friend who has a 3 year old, we commiserated.
It can get dark really fast. That is, after all, the majority of our time as parents of kids under 5.
But instead, my friend and I related to the tiny moments that make us see a little hope, a little good, a little light in the dark.
A head on my shoulder.
An unprovoked kiss on the cheek.
A cute mispronunciation like "checkup" instead of "Ketchup"
Everyone actually eating what's for dinner. Together.
Spontaneous family kitchen dance party or singalong.
A moment of two kids making each other laugh.
2 minutes of quiet.
Every week, I lead a workshop for Caveday to help people plan their week.
Halfway through, we take 30 seconds to share one thing we're grateful for.
It feels repetitive and cliché. But every week, as hard as things are, there's always something.
No matter how dark things get, (kids or not)
there's always space to appreciate a little light.
"Winter Family" Animation by Eran Hilleli
Spotlight
On the theme of light, I wanted to do something a little different and take a moment to highlight 3 people in my life doing amazing work.
College friend Danny O'Malley's movie "Canary" is a powerful documentary about one scientist's life work with glaciers and the climate change story that emerges. Watch it on Amazon Prime.
My friend Jeff Schneider invited Lauren and me to see his sister's play. Becca Schneider's one-woman show, "Trich" is her moving story of dealing with trichotillomania–pulling her own hair out. But it's also a funny and relatable play about mental health and vulnerability. My favorite line in it is: "It shouldn’t always be up to the person with the problem to bring up the problem.”
I met Topaz Adizes in 2014 when I first moved to New York. His Emmy Award-winning interactive documentary {THE AND} explored new approaches to hard conversations and human connection and I was inspired to reach out. More recently, Topaz created a series called GUTS - Getting Under the Skin. I'm a huge fan of everything he creates. The series, films, and the products he creates are worth your time.
May this new year be full of light for you.
Or at least enough for you to see what's worth being grateful for in the dark.
If not, may you be the one to bring light into your world.
Ignite something amazing in 2024.
Happy new year, friend.
Refrigeyalater.
-Jake
Hey it’s me again.
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The Email Refrigerator is a monthly delivery of essays, poetry, imagery, and thoughts, written and curated by Jake Kahana. Why a refrigerator? Well, it's where we look for snacks, a little freshness, and where we hang the latest, greatest work. And besides, "newsletter" sounds like spam.