Belonging - 014 — Jake Kahana

*“Leaving the Ferry" by* *Ingrid Christensen*

Hey {Friend},

I. Who am I in this group?

Last week, I did some work in The Cave. A typical Caveday is typically divided into four work sprints broken up by three short breaks. During a break, the Cave Guide instructed us to draw our immediate family.

Instinctively, I drew myself alongside my parents and brother.

Wait. No.

I took another sheet of paper and drew myself alongside Lauren, my wife, and daughter Golda. Holding both sheets, I was caught in a paradox. We think of ourselves as having one family, but here I am looking at two. And who I am in each one is so different.

The role we serve to others in a group is integral part of holding the group together. When roles change, the dynamics of belonging change. When the matriarch of the family dies, the family may split. When layoffs happen, we worry we might lose our job. When we get married, we belong to a new family and our partner belongs to ours in new ways.

This month, I’m exploring who we are and the role we play in a group. As we gather in different social circles, I’m thinking about involvement, how to deepen our connections and with whom, and the paradox of loneliness.

Let’s talk about belonging. Hope something resonates with you. Happy snacking.

II. Beyond Fitting In

In high school, I was a member of the track team. I ran 200m sprints and pole vaulted. Not because I was good at it or had any particular love of the sport. But I did it because my friends were good at it and I wanted to fit in. But I always felt like some sort of imposter– like I never fully belonged there.

Brené Brown articulated it best. She says “fitting in requires us to change who we are to be a part of the group. Belonging requires us to be ourselves to be a part.” One is about trading membership for conformity. The other, is seeking membership through acceptance.

What’s required of truly belonging is your whole self, and being seen. We’re not just a member of a group, watching in the back, posting comments anonymously or passively participating. To belong, we can’t change who we are in order to be members. Therefore what is necessary first, is knowing who we are. Embracing it. Owning and Celebrating it. And then showing up as our complete self, stepping into the light and trusting that our people will see us and value that authenticity. The hard part is the vulnerability in that trust.

I thought that after high school I would stop being a part of things where I need to fit in. But I’m seeing that there are social scripts to living in the city, getting married, working, having kids… fitting in is part of life. Into adulthood, we are all members of groups but don’t feel like we belong. Maybe it’s a group of old friends that don’t have much in common anymore, holding on to old inside jokes and the nostalgia of former lives together. Or a religion that doesn’t reflect our current values. Or maybe its even family that doesn’t see us for our whole self.

And yet we can still aspire to belong.

So why not be okay with just fitting in? Belonging is essential to our well-being. It is required on the path towards self-actualization and fulfilling our potential, as per Maslow’s research on human needs. Belonging is loving and being loved.

And if belonging and love feel out of reach, start with some self-acceptance and self-love. Because before anyone else, we belong to ourselves first.

III. The Limits of Friendship

Ten years ago, I first learned about Dunbar’s number– the cognitive limit to the number of close relationships we can have. 150. The original study came out in the 90s from Oxford researcher Robin Dunbar. Then, in August 2018 he wrote another article mentioning two more numbers.

First, that there is an inner core of about 5 people whom we share about 40% of our social time. And second, 10 more people whom take another 20%. Basically, about two-thirds of our life– about 2 hours every day– is devoted to just 15 people.

It is said that we are a combination of the people around us– a mashup of their habits, ideas, activities, and politics. So the real question becomes how do we make sure those 150 people are quality? Or more importantly, the 15?

In last January’s Refrigerator, I mentioned that I keep a spreadsheet tallying everyone I see in person. And it’s helped me see some patterns. We see so many people through a year that are insignificant amounts of time for any impact. The 150 people are in our lives by circumstance: extended family and business acquaintances and coworkers and friends-of-friends. Don’t try and cull and curate that list.

But, on the other hand, we do get to choose the 15. We are in control of who we give the majority of our time to. Who are the 5 people we want to grow with, learn from, care for, and love? Who are the 10 people that enrich our lives every time we see them? Those are our people. We can design our lives. We can curate our people and then make the effort to text, call, visit, plan, and make time for them.

In the year after a heart attack, BYU researcher Julianne Holt-Lunstad studied the factors that determined her patients’ survival. Even more than quitting smoking and exercise, the number one reason people lived longer (are you ready for this?) was having more quality friendships.

If we don’t choose those 15, they will be chosen for us by default. And in the end, these are the people that will keep us alive.

*Surfers in Sydney hold moment of silence after Christchurch attack– photograph by* *Cameron Spencer*

VI. The Opposite of Loneliness

I’m thinking a lot about loneliness. Not because I am particularly lonely often, but because I see loneliness as an issue that’s becoming more prevalent. Loneliness is the idea that each one of us feels like our story and situation is so unique that no one will understand us. When the truth is, there are other people feeling and experiencing the same thing as each of us.

That can be both comforting and disconcerting. While we want solace in feeling connected to each other, we also want to believe that we are special. This is the paradox of loneliness.

Last year I read the book “The Opposite of Loneliness” a series of essays on being young, human connection, and the potential of our lives. The author, Marina Keegan died 5 days after her own college graduation. "We don't have a word for the opposite of loneliness,” she writes in her essay of the same title, “But if we did, I could say that's what I want in life. It's not quite love and it's not quite community; it's just this feeling that there are people, an abundance of people, who are in this together.”

And that's what I think the Email Refrigerator is for. This is me sharing my personal stories, my beliefs and reflections, to share some sense of belonging with you. "This is what I’m going through and thinking about. How about you?”

We’re all part of this. There is an abundance of people. It’s not just me. It’s not just you. We’re all in this together.

See you next month,

Jake

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@jakekahana | jakekahana.com

This Month’s Resources

Belongingness (Wikipedia)

Triangular Theory of Love (Wikipedia)

Dunbar’s Number (Wikipedia)

The Opposite of Loneliness (Yale Daily News)

The Importance of Belonging (CNN)