Enough - 034

 

The Third Story

This month was Lauren's birthday and we got a gigantic ice cream cake. We barely finished a quarter of it. The next night, I couldn't wait for the frozen icing and crunchy chocolate pieces. But by the end of the week, I felt like finishing the cake was a chore.

Except I'm not just talking about cake.

I have this feeling like I need to use something all the time otherwise I'm wasting it. I remember feeling that with a new toy as a kid. Or a new relationship in my 20s. Or New York City in my 30s.

The problem lately is that's also how I feel about my talent.

If I'm not constantly writing, drawing, playing, ideating, making... then I'm wasting my talent.

And wasting my time.

(Maybe even wasting my life?)

I shared this story with a friend of mine who happens to be a coach.

She said, simply: "But what's the third story?"

I've been believing it was binary this whole time.

Use it  -or- lose it.

All  -or- nothing.

But what about...Enough?

Enough is my third story. And it's something I've been thinking a lot this month.

Enough for me is satisfaction without satiety– comfortable now but with a little room for more.

Let's open this third story and explore.

Here we go.

 

Cartoon by Will Santino

 

Upward Creep

We're finally moving!

I'll hopefully be sending next month's refrigerator from our new house. Our apartment is up for sale, much of our stuff is already in boxes, and we're giving a lot away.

A few years ago, before kids, I remember arguing with my mom that I'll never move to the suburbs. We're city people and we could make it work in a small apartment. (Well, we couldn't.) Our family is expanding and we're out growing our 2 bedroom apartment and relocating to a 5 bedroom house.

In the world we live in, it's easy to keep expanding.

More money → more stuff → hunger for more.

The Simplicity Collective calls this the "upward creep of material desire."

We all have so much stuff.

And we keep getting more.

It's not just a pain for future generations who will someday have to clear out basements and attics and storage units (yes, I'm looking squarely at my parents and in-laws on that).

And it's not just that it's a contributor to climate change: more production, more waste.

Always seeking more money to get more, nicer stuff takes a toll on our mental health.

We push ourselves to work more hours, take more stressful jobs, just to keep up.

So how are we to get out of this mental cycle we've been conditioned to buy into? (pun intended, of course) Sure. We can buy longer-lasting, higher quality furniture, clothes, tech. Yes, please do that.

We break the cycle of upward creep by

  1. Exchanging our more money for more free time.

    Use that bonus to start a hobby. Take on a project. Go on a vacation.

  2. Giving away our stuff

    Donating things tricks us into believing we have more than enough.

So pack up a box or two and give it away.

You already have enough.

 
 

Enough Time

Because our apartment needs to be in open-house-ready condition for 2 weekends, we've been staying at my in-laws. It's been surprisingly smooth, but I'm hearing myself rush:

"Once we get to the weekend, things will be calmer.

After we close on the house, we won't be as stressed.

Let's just get through the week."

Know the feeling?

Author and philosopher Oliver Burkeman just put out a book called 4000 Weeks. The concept is that our lives (if we're lucky) are somewhere are 4000 weeks long. 4000 weeks. That's it.

At first, I thought, "4,000 is so much. Who cares if I had a rough week or just want this next week to be over sooner? I just finished week number 1,892; I have more than half my life ahead of me."  Time abundance can push us to waste time, and undermine our motivation or progress. Any feeling of abundance pushes us to waste.

But sitting with it longer, it sent me into a scarcity spiral. There's not enough time. Rushing through weeks is just rushing through my whole life. Scarcity fuels anxiety and exhaustion.

That's when I remind myself of the third story.

What if I have enough time?  For work, for family, for myself...

To achieve greatness in my work, I don't need a million hours. I recently learned that even the 10,000 hours to expertise "rule" is actually about deliberate practice, peaking at 3-4 hours per day. Even Mozart or Shakespeare spent most of their day NOT working. I can't just workworkwork expecting that more hours automatically leads to greatness.

To be a great son, parent, and partner, I don't need to devote every second of the day to my family. But when I'm with them, I can be fully there. I can be thoughtful about making time for them, recognizing special days, and creating memories.

"You only live once. But if you do it right, once is enough."

Maybe if I do it right (and there is no one single "right" here)

I have enough time.

And so do you.

 
 

Had enough yet?
Ok here's one more chapter.

YOU are Enough

Having a 3 year-old means we watch the same movies over and over. In our house, it's Moana. The basic premise is that Moana leaves her family to sail across the ocean with a Demi-God, Maui, to restore a magical stone and bring life back to the ocean.

Maui has a special ability to shape-shift, but only if he has his magical hook. Near the end of the movie, fighting the lava monster, the hook is nearly destroyed. In a fit of anger, he tells Moana "I am NOTHING without my hook!"

Get this. Maui– who created coconuts, who pulled the islands of Hawaii and New Zealand from the sea, who slows the sun in the Summer, lifted the sky above the mountains, and stole fire from the gods– still feels like he's not enough without his hook.

I look at Maui and think, "No, Maui! You're so much more than that! And look at what you've already accomplished!"  I see it in Maui. I see it in friends and family.

But I can't see it in myself.

I often feel like I'm nothing without my things. My art. Without this email to write every month. Without a piano to play. Without Caveday....

I am nothing.

Many of us deny a piece of our identity because we feel the need to be more.

We feel we're imposters. Or somehow don't qualify for what we want. 

I can't be happy until I find a partner.

Making $X will make me successful.

Landing on some list will give me credibility.

Getting that award or press will finally get me acceptance.

Being beautiful will come after I lose 10 pounds.

In case you need to hear this (and I often do):

You don't need to reach any special milestone to deserve what you want.

Writing makes you a writer. Whether or not you sell a screenplay or publish a book.

Making art makes you an artist. Whether or not you're in a museum or gallery.

Starting a company makes you an entrepreneur. Even if you don't make a million dollars, or even a hundred.

Just waking up today makes you deserving of love.

You are worthy of the identity you seek.

You don't need your hook.

You are enough, just as you are.

–––––––––––––––––––––––––

Thanks for making it to the end of the refrigerator. I hope you learned something or thought about something in a new way. As always, I’d love to hear from you if you just reply. Or if you think you know someone who would love it, forward it.

Ok that's enough from me.

With gratitude,

Jake

PS

I was going to write another chapter about love. As I was halfway through, I realized that It was almost exactly something I read from Mark Manson almost a decade ago. It starts by comparing John Lennon and "Love is All You Need" with Trent Reznor's "Love is Not Enough." If you're still energized on the topic, have a read.

And then have a great weekend.

Enough said.

Just can't get enough? Read the first 25 installations of the Email Refrigerator on Medium.

Had enough? No hard feelings. Just click here to change your settings.

 
Jake Kahana