Struggle - 027 — Jake Kahana

In the Summer of 2015, my friend Natalie turned 28. It was also the Summer she was diagnosed with cancer.

She told me at a diner in LA over egg sandwiches. I wasn't surprised at how she was dealing with it– expressive about the pain and fear she felt, lots of morbid jokes. And she turned her experience into art, a beautiful insight into her experience called Texting With Cancer.

By the end of 2016, she was in remission.

I've been thinking a lot about Natalie this month.

Because just a few weeks ago, after years of struggling with health issues, I found out Natalie passed away.

I'm still heartbroken and unsure of how to process it.

The more I think about Natalie, the more I'm grateful for her in my life. That we got to collaborate on a few projects. That she told me how she felt about me. That I helped her cross a few things off her bucket list and she, mine (we did the Great LA walk– a 20+ mile walk from SIlverlake to the Pacific Ocean).

Natalie has once again inspired me to create something. This month, I'm writing about struggle.

I'm thinking about the struggles that we're all going through– personal and global– and learning from her that struggle can bring about new things. Sometimes disaster and heartbreak. But also art and beauty. Resilience and strength.

Let's take a look at our own struggles and try and make sense of them.

Creating The Problems We're Supposed Solve

Much to my dislike, my daughter has begun obsessing over Paw Patrol. It's a pretty benign show where a group of animated dogs save people in their city from mishaps usually caused by the silly and selfish Mayor Humdinger. It's not unlike Power Rangers, GI Joe, Batman or any show where the same villains cause trouble in every episode.

Which brings up the question– why don't they just get rid of Mayor Humdinger? (Or Rita? Cobra Kai? The Joker?) Seems like that would make all their problems go away. Ah, but then we'd be out of a show.

We might believe that humans should avoid struggle and to do that we need to rid ourselves of our villains. But actually, we end up doing the opposite. About 10 years ago, author Clay Shirky observed that, "Institutions will try to preserve the problem to which they are the solution." Companies and industries can become so dedicated to the problem they are the solution to, "that often they inadvertently perpetuate the problem.”

It's an astounding observation.

Whole industries are devoted to solve complex problems like cancer, affordable housing, pollution... And truth be told, if they solved those problems completely, they'd all be out of a job. So in some ways it's their job to not only help with some of those problems, but also to perpetuate them.

And this principle is not just for companies.

It applies to our personal lives too.

Every job and every relationship we enter will have some of conflict and struggle. Most of us believe that we are seeking happiness in love and work. However, we reject candidates because they are too balanced or boring. We end up choosing people and jobs and lifestyles that are imbalanced in familiar ways. We are not seeking happiness, but instead, seeking problems we're comfortable living with.

It is human nature to seek struggle and perpetuate problems.

But we choose ones we are capable of dealing with.

Even if we never end up completely solving them.

*Photo in Camarillo, CA by Andy Holzman*

Living Like A Grape

Almost exactly a year ago, Lauren and I went to a wedding in San Francisco. We thought we'd bake in a second vacation and spend a couple days in Napa doing a winery crawl. I honestly couldn't tell you much about my favorite wines or regions or years. But one story I do remember is about grapes.

Sitting in a small cafe table right under the bright skylight in the art gallery of the winery, we discussed the previous years' growing seasons in relation to the recent wildfires.

If a grape vine has an easy growing season, it will sprawl out. Focusing on growing leaves, shoots, and deepening its roots. But not too many grapes. When it feels stressed– that nutrients are scarce, crowded by other plants, pruning it hard– it will sense that survival is not certain and it needs to reproduce. So it makes more fruit to try and sustain itself. Not only that, but those stressed grapes are better for wine.

Much to our surprise, we learned that grapes that lead boring lives makes boring wine. The best wine with complex, and interesting flavors comes from grapes that have to struggle, preserving sugars and toughening their skin to survive.

Maybe we're all like that, too. That we need a little struggle to be better and stronger.

That's called antifragility.

As something faces stressors, disorder, and shock, it can wither and crumble.

It can also be resilient and recover to its original state.

Or it can become antifragile, and actually get stronger.

Values can be antifragile. Faith simply cant exist without doubt, generosity only matters if there's incentive NOT to give. Relationships are antifragile. They rely on trust but only get stronger if that trust is tested. We cannot fully understand monogamy unless we are tempted by inner lust. Our bodies and brains can be antifragile if we help them. But we need to face those hardships.

We are the grape plant. When things get easy, we get lazy and weak. When we have more privilege and insulation from confrontation or hardship, we become more fragile. The way to have more complex identities, more interesting lives, and stronger characters is to be exposed to failure, stress, and adversity. And then to learn to be stronger because of them.

During these times of exceptional stress and adversity, the silver lining is in the grape plant.

That struggle is not just wearing us down, but is a means to grow sweeter and stronger.

This is a reminder to live like grapes.

The Struggle Is Real (And Relatable)

The cliche story of our grandparents' generation is walking to school uphill (both ways!) barefoot in the snow. Sure, it's likely that few of our grandparents actually did that. But our grandparents had to endure a life so much harder than our own.

Perhaps they came from another country, seeking refuge from extreme poverty or violence or their lives were threatened. Perhaps they endured a pandemic, a world war, and a great depression within a few years. Perhaps they were drafted into military service. Or had to make their own clothes and build their own house.

We're very lucky to avoid many of the hardships our parents and grandparents not only endured but HAD TO endure. They were EXPECTED to endure. As a society, we're becoming more privileged and more sheltered from hardship.

The more we protect ourselves (and our children) from struggle and adversity, the weaker we actually get. As a society, we're getting more fragile.

So maybe it's good that we're all struggling a bit now. Toughen us up. Make us stronger and willing to endure more. To be more grateful for what we have. To be awed by small gestures of kindness and community. And to be more understanding of the struggles of others.

Speaking of which, I recently listened to an interview of Frank Oz. In describing creating Fozzie Bear, he talked about struggling. He said that no one likes a character (or person) that has never had any hardship. Fozzie wants to be funny and liked and be accepted for what he is. But he's a bear comedian. He doesn't quite fit in with the other bears. Or the other comedians. Or even with the other Muppets. Inherently, seeing a character struggle is relatable. That struggle makes us connect with him, and actually love him more.

That's my hope, too.

We're all struggling in one way or another. Especially now.

But I'm learning that our struggle makes us stronger.

Our struggle makes us more relatable.

And our struggle makes us more lovable.

Fight on,

Jake

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