Renovation - 066
Kitchen or Life?
When we first toured this house, we loved it.
But we knew that we'd have to redo the kitchen at some point soon. It's totally functional, but it's clearly almost 40 years old.
This month, we hired an architect and designer and finally have the plans to renovate the kitchen and basement (we're just waiting to give the green light until we get a better estimate from our contractor).
So naturally, I'm thinking a lot about this renovation.
The definition of renovation is to improve outdated structures.
What's interesting to me is that the entire process of moving from the city to the suburbs here has been an act of renovating my life. As the kids entered school, our routines became outdated. Morning rituals changed.
We've had to create space for new relationships, interactions with strangers, and building community.
We've had to improve the outdated budgets to make room for things I didn't care about before– landscaping, car maintenance, exterminators, life insurance.
I'm thinking a lot about renovation and improving our outdated structures, and not just our kitchen. It might get a little bit hot.
And if you can't take the heat,
...good news, you've got the refrigerator open.
Identifying Outdated Structures
Early this month, a neighbor of ours had a baby. To be the thoughtful, caring neighbors we want to be, we sent a generous Seamless gift card for food delivery. Standard, right?
Even with the card I filled out, it felt pretty empty.
We didn't see them face to face. We weren't sure they even got it right away. There's no thank you or mention of it from us or them.
As a broader society, we have these products, services, and systems in place that prioritize convenience and speed. They make our lives so much easier. But the cost seems to be that they create emotional distance.
It's part of what I believe is a pervasive problem.
An epidemic of loneliness.
"54% of Americans [report] that no one knows them well. The number of American adults without a romantic partner increased by a third. 36% of Americans [say they feel] lonely frequently or almost all of the time."
We're becoming so individualistic that as a society, we're not creating connections, camaraderie, and community that would help with our emotional wellbeing. In How to Know a Person, David Brooks continues after the previous statistics that "sadness, lack of recognition, and loneliness turn into bitterness. ...Loneliness thus leads to meanness... this social breakdown manifests as a crisis of distrust...and low-trust societies fall apart."
It's much easier to look at our phones instead of engaging in conversation on the elevator, in a waiting room, on the subway. And the pandemic has sort of made it ok to be out of practice in face-to-face conversation. Bored? Moment of silence? Things getting awkward? Just pick up your phone.
Smartphones are just one domino in a long series.
It's a problem that needs addressing. And just like fixing up a house, in order to renovate any part of our culture, the first step is to identify the outdated structures.
Some of the root outdated causes to start re-thinking:
Pervasive smartphone use
Capitalism as the way to determine value
Algorithm-driven social media
Religion as the primary way to find community
Overparenting as a value
Convenience over humanity
There are probably about a dozen or more other things influencing our cultural values.
Still, I am for optimism.
We're able to create change as individuals–we're able to start clubs, join communities, share honestly, bring our neighbors tupperware'd home cooking.
And those are dominos worth knocking over.
A Quick Reminder
(Especially ahead of this year's presidential election)
In order to improve the outdated structures, things get worse.
My kitchen will be torn apart– the floors will be ripped up, walls broken down to the studs, cabinets smashed and thrown away.
When things feel messy, it's usually because that's the best first step towards getting clean.
To make things better, they first must get worse.
If Bathrooms Were Relationships
Everyone notices the tiles.
They're drawn to the color. The pattern. The shine of the porcelain.
But me?
I love the grout.
Tiles are decoration. Color. Personality.
Tile is easy to spot and easy to have opinions about.
I walk into a pink-tiled bathroom and think
"Ugggggly" and out loud, "Ok, not for me."
Terrazzo says either
this is retro-modern.
Or generic airport floor.
Friendships and partners
are often chosen for their tiles.
The large, immovable style that attracts us
gives us something to talk about.
But me?
I love the grout.
No one wants grout.
At first.
The hope, in fact, is that you don't notice it at all.
But without it, everything falls apart.
The grout is the character.
It's where the dirt collects and grime grows.
Get into the grout and you see what keeps everything together.
Get into the grout and everything feels fresher.
Don't let a flashy room of tiles distract you
from the scum in the grout.
You don't pick grout.
You don't always even notice it at first.
But look closer.
And maybe you too will love the grout.
Thanks so much for spending a little bit of your weekend with me. I appreciate your time.
I've been doing this for 66 months in a row now and I always love hearing what came up for you this month.
Until next month.
Refrigeyalater,
Jake
Me again.
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The Email Refrigerator is a monthly delivery of essays, poetry, imagery, and thoughts, written and curated by Jake Kahana. Why a refrigerator? Well, it's where we look for snacks, a little freshness, and where we hang the latest, greatest work. And besides, "newsletter" sounds like spam.