Emotion - 044 — Jake Kahana

Dear {FirstName | Friend},

A Safe Space

I'm feeling a lot of resistance in writing this month.

That's an indicator that I need to write.

Four weeks ago, some 22 year-old kid upended my world.

In case you didn't know, I grew up in Highland Park, Illinois. Somehow, when I write "Highland Park" now, it's enough to reference the 7 people murdered at the fourth of July parade.

It hints at the hundreds of people who were there, including my parents, experiencing the trauma of running for their lives from a white kid with a gun. And the thousands like me who grew up there and have connections to that place (and Sandy Hook and Aurora and Columbine and Uvalde and countless other quaint, formerly safe and otherwise unknown towns across the country) who now feel shaken and unsafe.

I don't want to write about politics; not about gun laws or the second amendment or lobbying that is buying out politicians. The Email Refrigerator, to me, is a safe place to explore ideas in order to make sense of my experience.

Right now, beyond the politics, I'm stuck with feelings.

So that's what I want to explore this month.

I'm caught in the middle of conflicting emotions. I have this feeling like I need to avoid the whole situation. Ignore the weight of the news. Go numb.

And on the other side, these emotions are unavoidable. I need to talk about it and let it out and break down. To feel deeply.

This month, I'm exploring emotions.

Buckle up. It might be a bumpy ride.

Ugh, Feelings.

Lauren and I are in a fight right now.

(She might even be upset that I shared that with you. Gas on the fire.)

We didn't used to get into fights that lasted more than a few hours. But it seems like now they last days. With two kids and full time work, there's little time to sit down and talk it through. Or when we do have time, it's not always when we feel like talking about something heavy.

As a result, we've spent days with our feelings.

And if I'm honest, It doesn't feel great.

Even in writing that, I notice that emotions are moralized as either good or bad.

It's good to feel happy, playful, carefree. When I feel good, there's nothing I need to do.

It's a bad thing to feel sad, angry, jealous, resentful. And most of us want to get rid of bad feelings as quickly as possible. Or avoid them altogether. Bad feelings should be avoided.

Posters read "good vibes only" as if we should hide negative emotions. (As if we could.)

Articles say "trigger warning" to create a buffer between us and bad feelings that might come.

You (yes YOU) may have even wanted to avoid reading this email knowing it was about emotions; possibly something heavy and uncomfortable.

When I look at the wheel of emotions I notice that most of the feelings on the spectrum of human emotion are unpleasant.

But trauma psychology, grief work, and therapy are almost always about getting closer to our pain. Experiencing it and feeling it in order to work through it.

Avoiding bad feelings is not good for us.

But getting rid of them is not the point. It's not even helpful.

Yes, I know, sitting in a bad feeling is unpleasant. I'm in one right now.

And I recognize that people with severe trauma shouldn't need to relive it every second.

But I've come to learn that marinating in these feelings is the best way to get through them. It's not fun. It's not easy. It's not a good feeling. But by being here, I can process what I'm feeling and then share, confront, and work through those feelings with Lauren.

And on the other side, our marriage will be less fragile and more resilient because of that.

Avoiding bad feelings makes us more fragile.

When we can be sad and sit with our anger, we build a tolerance for negative emotions.

And that tolerance is what actually makes us stronger.

Name That Feeling

With two kids under 4, and being a big fan myself, I've watched a lot of Sesame Street.

One of my all-time favorite scenes is with Grover and songwriter Dave Matthews. They're sitting on a stoop, moping. "I'm feeling a not good feeling right now," Grover says, "I do not know what to call this feeling."

Then (of course) they sing.

In Grover's verse, he wishes he could take a rocket to the moon. Now he's sad and he's mad because his wish didn't come true. Dave sings is about a superhero friend (Super Grover)– he's jealous he can't fly too, but he's proud that they're friends.

These are complicated emotions and also very relatable.

The final verse begins with: I can't always help the way that I'm feeling. / I won't always be happy. / Oh well.

Then resolves: We found the words to say how we're feeling today / We found the words so we can tell them to you.

Why I love this so much, like Pixar movies, is that it's not just for kids. I learned something too.

So much of emotional intelligence is just that–

being able to figure out what's making us feel what we're feeling and then naming it.

Expanding our vocabulary expands our understanding.

And when we understand ourself better, we can understand each other better.

It's harder than it sounds but like most things, gets easier with practice.

Let's try.

How are you feeling right now?

The Paradox of Complex Emotions

At a birthday party last week, Golda had the chance to ride a zipline. After her first ride she ran to me for a high-five and she said, "I was a little scared but also a little brave."

I'm proud of her for recognizing both feelings.

It's not an easy thing to do.

If you just tried to name your feeling, it might've been hard because one word is not a complete answer to what we're feeling. Usually.

Our emotions are often multilayered and simultaneous. Just like Grover and Dave, we can be jealous and proud at the same time. Or hopeful and disappointed. Exhausted and overjoyed. And of course scared and brave.

I think more about my emotions, I'm finding this paradox.

I feel a lot of competing and conflicting things at once.

I'm deeply sad and angry about the events in Highland Park. I'm disappointed in myself for the way I showed up as a partner this month, and still confident in our relationship. My uncle died this month and I'm shocked he's gone at only 75, but happy his death was painless and fast.

Right now, our planet is in peril. There are wars we can't do much about. And governmental action and inaction about things that we care deeply about and affect us. That same initial feeling about avoiding or facing emotions is the same with the news. Avoid or face it?

The paradox is that we can be moved by these events to feel some overwhelmingly negative emotions. And still feel happiness in other parts of our lives. Still derive joy.

Our experience is complex and our emotions are even more so.

Carl Jung said, "Paradox comes closer to explaining the human experience than anything."

Here's to living in paradox.

*"Mind Your Eyes"* *photo by* *Johnny Keethon*

The Most Important Thing

Growing up, I often heard "I just want you to be happy."

Or that "the most important thing is that you had fun."

But as I get older, I don't believe it.

While I'd love for my own kids to be happy and to find ways to have fun wherever they go, I think the idea that everything needs to be happy or fun can be toxic.

Most things in life aren't happy or fun.

So for me, better than to try to make everything fun and ensure their happiness, I'm going to help them get more comfortable with their emotions–to sit with their feelings, be able to name them, understand them, and feel them.

And I'll try and do the same.

It's an open invitation if you want to join.

Until next time, thank you for showing up today.

Jake

The refrigerator is where we put up work we're most recently proud of. It's a place for snacks, gathering, and a little light. The Email Refrigerator, then, is a space for my latest greatest art, ideas, and insights to gather around. (And "newsletter" just sounds like spam.)

*"Emotions of a Moment"* *painting by* *Alexis Le Borgne*

Whew.

Thanks for reading the whole way through. This was much more challenging than I expected, but it was meaningful in taking the time to articulate my beliefs.

I'm curious what doesn't feel true to your experience? Or what is something you've felt but never articulated like this? Let's get into it. Or feel free to share it with a friend who might get something out of this.

Have a great month, {{Firstname}}.

I appreciate you.

-Jake