Catalysts - 035
So Much is Happening
One of the strangest things about living in a house in the suburbs for me is the vivid memory from just a few years ago that I didn't want this at all. Lauren and I were set on staying in New York City, raising our future children as city kids, and making our lives work in an apartment.
I'm writing this happily from my new home office in the suburbs of northern New Jersey. My feelings have completely changed– this is all I want right now and I'm so happy to have this house with an office and a backyard and bathroom I don't have to share.
But it got me thinking: what provoked that shift?
So I'm wading into the concept of catalysts– the forces and agents of change that speed action and make our lives and our world different than they were before.
Water's fine, let's jump right in.
Photo from Africa Moon by Sandy Bornman
Origin Objects
Somewhere, there's a drawing I made that changed the course of my life.
8th grade; I was a twelve year old boy desperate for social approval who recently discovered the world of internet pornography. So one day, I started drawing porn. I'd give out the pictures and it was fun to have some attention as my drawings were secretly passed around social studies class.
Well, one of those drawings made its way into the hands of vice principal Lubelfeld. (cue ominous music).
I'm in trouble. And I never get in trouble. I hate trouble. I avoid trouble.
But here I am, being called into the vice principal's office. Terrified at what might come of this. Suspended? Call my parents? (which is worse?)
But instead, he sort of just laughed at it. And then he gave me a speech about how the kids in my class look up to me. That this was not the best way to use my skills or social influence. That I need to stop and consider how I want to use the attention I can get.
That day, I swore to use my art more seriously and say something meaningful.
I was ashamed for a long time about the whole idea of drawing porn for attention. But the truth is, without that incident, I'm not sure I would have taken art as seriously and considered the career path I chose.
The next year I went to high school and found my way into the art department and art club. I took art history and got into college based on my portfolio.
This one drawing changed the course of my life.
I love the idea that objects out there that changed someone's life. An object that to most of us would look benign and meaningless, but has its own ghost story.
Most of us have a thing that not only shaped who we are but maybe even redirected our careers, instigated a break-up or brought about a new relationship.
Do you have one?
(No seriously, reply and let me know.)
Catalytic Events
5 years ago, just about a month before our wedding, I was fired.
I was embarrassed to say that for several years, but that's the truth. I can own it now.
When we got back from our honeymoon, I had a lot of time while I was looking for work. So one big project I took on was planning a retreat to explore how we can use time more intentionally.
5 years ago this month, I got to know an amazing group of 12 individuals. Among the group were Molly Sonsteng and Jeremy Redleaf, who would emerge as my Caveday co-founders.
It’s easy to see a linear story when I look back, but at the time I was struggling with who I was and what I wanted to do and be.
At the time, getting fired felt catastrophic.
But I can say now that I needed that to create room for something else. For the relationships that formed and the possibility that opened up.
Every major event in our lives has created space for something new.
Every beginning starts with an ending.
How To Make Things Happen
One Fall a few years ago, Lauren and I decided to do a "No sugar November." We opted for fruit for dessert, turned down sugary cocktails, and drank our coffee black. We read our fortunes and then threw away the cookie.
When Thanksgiving came around, I was surprised to see that Lauren went for a slice of (hm, I can't remember now. I know she doesn't like pie, but is it possible we had cake at Thanksgiving? Whatever. Let's say cake) cake.
"But... no sugar November," I said.
"But... it's Thanksgiving. The rules don't count."
That's when I learned about our opposite tendencies. I am an upholder– I follow the rules, even if I made the rule myself. I stick to the plan even in the face of a special occasion. No sugar means no sugar.
But Lauren is a questioner. She follows rules when they make sense for her. There are always exceptions and justifications to break them.
A quick detour.
Author Gretchen Rubin introduced The Four Tendencies in her book "Better Than Before" about habit creation. There's the Upholder, as explained above. Obligers, who need social accountability to achieve their goals (think: book clubs, running buddies, weight watchers, etc). Questioners. And finally, Rebels, who reject rules and just do what they feel.
Ok back on track.
The younger, more immature me would start a fight with Lauren.
The me today has learned, through my work with Caveday and being married for 5 years, how people get things done differently. Everyone is motivated by different things.
And this is where I'm talking about more than skipping dessert.
All of us have something we're hoping to accomplish in our lives. To do something, or make something, or be something.
And in order to do that– to be our own agent of change in our life– we first need to know ourselves. To understand what motivates us, what distracts us, what will get that habit to stick.
And the work of our lies is to continually learn ourselves better and better to instigate the change we need.
While there are an infinite number of excuses to make, ultimately, we are the ones behind the wheel.
We are navigating the sea on our own.
We can be our own catalysts.
I Am The Contagion
I often get overwhelmed at the immense problem of climate change. Entire industries are contributing to climate change in such massive ways. With something so wide-spread, it's easy for me to allow myself to buy plastic, throw away electronics, book airline travel...
I mean, I'm just one person, right?
A drop in the ocean.
Nothing.
Earlier this month, my parents and brother came into town for Golda's birthday and to help with the move.
One night when her parents came over too, I realized that none of us eat red meat. Not for any big reasons–not political or environmental. Part of is an increased awareness of the meat industry and a mindfulness about what we're eating and where our food comes from.
When I met Lauren in 2014 and she had already been a vegetarian for 5 years. Because of her, I haven't had meat since May of that year. 7+ years. Lauren's parents for just as long. And my parents picked it up a few years later.
Wait. Just one person, right?
I'm slowly realizing that things change in our lives not just by serendipity, or accidents, or big dramatic events. Other people influence how we live our lives. Let me change that around:
We influence how others live their lives.
We are catalysts.
So while it may seem inconsequential for me to get really into composting or make a big stink about fast fashion, stop buying bottled water, or put in solar panels, the truth is:
my drop makes a ripple.
I have the ability to speak up and my word carries weight. (thanks again, vice principal Lubelfeld.)
If I want the world a little friendlier, I can help make my world friendlier by checking up on my friends and family more often.
If I want the world a little more creative, I can support my friends' endeavors and share more inspirational ideas.
If I want the world a little safer, I can start by trusting my neighbors.
Just one person.
Just one drop in the ocean.
But our drop make ripples.
Change starts at a single point and radiates out, bigger and bigger.
Things don't just happen.
We make them happen.
For ourselves, for the people we love, and for the world we live in.
One drop at a time.
George Floyd by Lukas Carlson
Thank you so much for reading this and making time for me and my ideas today. As always. One of my favorite things about the Email Refrigerator is the conversations it reignites with people I don't hear from all the time. So please feel free to just respond with your thoughts. Or forward to someone who might appreciate this one.
With immense gratitude,
Jake
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