Gifts - 012
“Stuck” Illustration by Marly Gallardo
I. Who and What is it for?
Last month was Golda’s first birthday. We celebrated with our close friends and family over bagels and cake. And like the great parents we are, we didn’t get her a gift. She has toys and books and clothes. She won’t know a trip to San Francisco from a trip across the Hudson to New York. So what could we give her that would have any meaning to it for her?
A part of me believes it’s better that we didn’t make a big deal of it. We take her to museums and music classes. She has nice clothes. We’re contributing to her 529. Let’s not fall into the consumerism trap and excess of birthdays.
But a part of me feels bad that we didn’t do anything to mark a milestone in her life. So I’ve been thinking about gifts a lot over the last few weeks and these two questions:
Who is the gift for?
If she won’t know or remember it, is it worth getting anything? Or can a gift sometimes be for the giver? And how can I tell the difference?
What is a gift for?
Typically, we get things that are memorable or useful or both. Something meaningful. Does it have to be purchased? What could I make or buy that she would even appreciate? And how can my gift, as her parent, be more meaningful and thoughtful than a gift from our downstairs neighbor or anyone else? (Does it have to be?)
It’s very likely that we all will buy a gift in the next week, or recently bought one. And it’s likely that we will receive one in about the same time. So let’s talk about them. 'Tis the season.
“The Love Letter” by Raimundo de Madrazo y Garret-a
II. The Gift is in the Story
After a morning of Coworking, I walked a friend back to her apartment. She picked up a package on our way, and once we were upstairs, she opened it. Inside the box was a one pound bag of pistachios with a little ribbon stuck to the top. Leaning against the bag was this note:
“When I was a boy my father tried ardently and successfully to introduce me to things that would motivate and show me a world that he had never known. Things of the “upper class.” One of the things he introduced me to were pistachios. Back in the day, they were red, grown overseas, and quite expensive. We purchased them by the ounce. I learned to love them. I told him, ‘if I am ever successful, I will buy a pound of pistachios.’ I moved to Houston at 26 and purchased some land and started building apartments. The land doubled in value after our purchase so we cut it in half and pledged the equity to build an apartment project. It was a huge undertaking for someone of my age and finances. I wrote Zaide that things were going well but it felt like pushing a big rock up a hill. That week, I bought a one pound bag of pistachios and I ate them slowly over a few months. A handful a day or so. It gave me pause and impetus to keep going. I hope these bring you similar luck, motivation, and enjoyment as you eat each one. I love you. Good luck. Dad.”
Gifts are magic because they endow an ordinary object with meaning. Add a story to a bag of nuts and it magically becomes a taste of a better life and the motivation to keep working towards it.
As a gift giver, we typically think of a gift as getting someone something that they need or wouldn’t buy themselves. Being thoughtful can go beyond finding the trendiest item that has sold out or something from that online store that no one has heard of. We’re all looking for something that leaves an impression and will be useful or at the very least, memorable. Here’s an idea: get something simple, but spend some time with the card.
Happy housewarming! Enjoy the wine!
Or
This bottle of wine reminded me of the first night we met at that wine bar downtown. We laughed so hard that night! It solidified the friendship that has brought me so much joy these last 5 years. I hope this bottle helps create the same joy and laughter in your new home. Here’s to a future filled with friends that make you want to keep your phone at home and laugh until the bar lights come on. Cheers.
Meaning comes from the card or story. Very rarely do we give a gift that on its own is memorable and useful. We can create meaning by looking for the way an object connects the gift giver and the receiver and expressing it. The story makes the receiver see the object in a new way. And that is how things become memorable and meaningful, and how we deepen our relationships.
No one is asking for a pound of pistachios this year. But everyone is looking for connection– for things that bring us together, feeling deeper, and the stories that reinforce those connections.
Let’s spend a little less time scrolling through Amazon and waking up at 4am tomorrow. And a little more time writing a better card.
“No Heart” Painting by Cristina Troufa
III. Gifts in Different Packages
When I talk about a gift, we conjure something exciting wrapped in beautiful paper and a bow. Something we look forward to and hold in anticipation and shake to our ears guessing what it could be before tearing open the wrapping and discovering something new that is now ours.
But let’s expand that definition for a minute–a gift can also be defined as an opportunity.
Sitting next to that woman on the plane who got you the job. The night you decided to rally and had the most memorable time. The glitch in the airlines website that let you buy that trip across the world for half of what it would normally cost you. These are gifts. We don’t expect them, we didn’t ask for them, but we love to receive them.
If a gift is an opportunity, there’s another side of that spectrum.
The computer crashes after writing a 20 page essay and it’s completely gone. Why could this be great? Well, the thinking is already done. Writing 20 pages will go much faster this time. The person we thought we were going to spend the rest of our lives together ends up breaking our heart, why could this be great? Well, we often recalibrate our identity, refine what we’re looking for and end up better, stronger, and more resilient. We’ve learned something.
In September 2014, I was having an intimate conversation in the car with a friend, who opened up and shared the experience of a recent abortion. After listening, and being there in the moment, I asked “Why could this be great?” The immediate response was “I found out who of my friends I could trust. And I discovered how supportive my parents are and what unconditional love really is.”
That same month, my Aunt Judy was diagnosed with brain cancer. Every month, it seemed, she was getting a new scan or a new round of treatment. Over 50 times, we waited in excruciating anticipation for results. After a year of deteriorating mental abilities and 5 months of being bedbound, this past month, she died. While her death was incredibly sad, it was a gift for the family in relieving us of living every month in fear and every day in pain. Her death ultimately brought us together as a family.
Terrible, life-changing things happen to all of us. Our family members die. People we love hurt us. We lose our jobs. We say goodbye. Things fall apart. To me. To you. It’s unavoidable.
Often we think about these as the opposite of a peak experience– emotional troughs. Low points. Rock bottom. Never as a gift. But they can be. I’m not suggesting that we skip over the emotional labor. We must give space for our pain, to honor fear, submit to sadness, listen to our longing, find room for darkness. But when we’re ready, there’s a question that has helped me reframe these events into gifts, and might help you too:
“Why could this be great?"
Source unknown
IV. Keep a gift a gift.
My wife Lauren baked her first loaf of bread in 2015. Her second loaf was in early 2018. And now, she's baking about 2 loaves a week. And they're incredible. My friends and I would rather her homemade challah than any store or bakery-bought one.
She sends pictures on Friday afternoon of the dough rising. And of the final, golden, sesame-seed covered bread, still steaming. Anyone who has tried it (or even seen the pictures) has had the idea that she should start a bakery. But I’m against that. Not because I want them all to myself, but because it's better as a gift.
Many of us have natural talents. Or we’ve learned a skill that we enjoy doing. Cooking. Drawing. Photography. Music. Writing. Travel-planning. List-making. Baking. We do it for the love of doing it, and for the love of the people we are giving it to.
When we introduce the idea of money– that we have to do this thing because it has to make us money–it stops being a source of joy. It becomes work and responsibility. It becomes less fun. In short, it stops being a gift. Austin Kleon, Liz Gilbert, and hundreds of other artists talk about the dangers of mixing your art with needing it to make money.
You have a gift. And gifts are meant to be given to people you love. So keep doing what makes you come alive and give it away. Then keep doing it.
Photograph by Khalil Charif
V. Thank you notes.
In a world where we literally have endless options to read, watch, and listen to, giving your attention to me and my writing is an incredible gift. And any good gift deserves a proper thank you note. So I wanted to make sure you knew how grateful I am for you. That you take the time to explore with me and reconsider the things in your life one topic at a time, one month at a time. Thank you for replying and sharing your thoughts, especially if they contradict mine. And for sharing the refrigerator with your friends and family. Thank you.
With love,
Jake
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VI. PS - 4 Things I Learned This Month But Don’t Know Where to Put (On Topic)
A. GIFT is an acronym in the world of medicine. Gamete IntraFallopian Transfer. It’s a technique for assisting conception by introducing mixed ova and sperm into a fallopian tube. When it works, talk about an appropriate name, huh.
B. Up until 1916, the flag of Siam (now known as Thailand) was a white elephant on a red background. The white elephant, either albino or just very pale-skinned, was a sacred animal and a symbol of power. While it was thought of as a huge honor to be given an elephant, the King of Siam would give you one of his white elephants if you had crossed him. Because it was so sacred, white elephants were not allowed to be used for labor and so the receiver was now burdened to care for such an expensive gift, unable to dispose of it. It has come to mean a wildly prestigious and expensive gift that has little use and is more trouble than it is worth. It’s also used to describe a building project (like expensive stadiums built for the Olympics or World Cup that are no longer in use) or an employee who is somewhat useless but cannot be fired.
C. A Yankee swap dates back to civil war when confederates and Yankees exchanged prisoners of war around the holidays to improve the mood.
D. What is a gift horse? Like it sounds, a gift horse is a horse that someone has given to you. But, like the white elephant, an old horse still requires feeding and maintenance. Looking a gift horse in the mouth is is the idea that an aging and useless horse still requires maintenance and feeding. One might look it in the mouth to inspect its teeth and determine its age to see if the horse was useful. The phrase denotes mistrust towards the gift giver.
Hope these facts make your holiday parties a little more interesting. Or better yet, makes YOU more interesting for sharing them at your parties.
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