Boundaries - 008
A Man Feeding Swans in the Snow by Marcin Ryczek
I. Personal Boundaries
We’ve begun babyproofing our house.
Golda can crawl and pull herself up, and she’s half a second away from pulling a bookshelf or sticking her fingers in an outlet. She's learning what is safe and acceptable and what is not. She’s testing where her boundaries are.
As it turns out, we as the parents are the ones that have to set the boundaries. We decide what is safe and acceptable, and what is not.
From the time all of us are babies, we’re born to explore the edges; to test where our boundaries are and to see where we can make exceptions and cross over into uncharted territory. We’re always pushing on our boundaries and learning what is safe and acceptable and what is not.
However, unlike baby-proofed outlets, most of the boundaries we deal with every day are invisible: physical, emotional, political, personal, ethical… And when we can't see them, we don't always know where they are, if they're there at all or how to define them. Let's talk boundaries and find the edges of the topic.
Attraversiamo.
Kikito from Tecate at the US/Mexico border by JR
II. Setting Physical boundaries
I started a new freelance job this Summer at a growing startup. You know the type: standing desks, t-shirts and backpacks with the company logo on it, plenty of La Croix in the fridge.
My first week here, I made the rounds meeting as many people as I could. As I went to shake one woman’s hand, she pulled back saying that she was religious and doesn’t touch men who aren’t her husband. Even a handshake.
It’s called “Shomer Ne-giah” in Hebrew, which means “observer of touch” and it limits physical contact with anyone outside your immediate family or spouse. For years, I never understood this. I believed touch leads to human connection and pleasure. A handshake seems so standard in the business world or a hug among friends. And as I was dating, I couldn’t imagine not being able to hold hands (let alone kiss or have sex) until marriage.
More recently, I’m beginning to understand this physical boundary a lot more. There’s a concept I’ve learned called "top-down" relationships.
Intimacy is developed from the top of our bodies down. Starting with your head, you connect with someone on an intellectual level. You challenge each other and seek to understand them psychologically. As the relationship develops, the connection moves to your heart. You fall in love, you get passionate and emotions peak. You become enamored and excited and obsessed with the relationship. And finally, the relationship moves down to your hand.
Touch can be so misleading. Books on body language will tell you to improve trust by touching someone's arm or shoulder while you’re talking to them. Ever slept with someone you didn’t want to talk to? Touch will make you feel a deep connection to that person even when your head or heart aren’t interested.
Typically, boundaries keep us protected. A boundary like this is a way of avoiding being misled, evading superficial intimacy, and pain– physical and emotional. This physical boundary says "this is the most intimate thing I have. And I've reserved it for only the most special, and trust-worthy people and you’re not one of them.” It keeps people out.
But the same boundary also creates an intimate inner circle. It says, “this is sacred and I trust you to take care of it. This is reserved only and especially for you.”
Setting a boundary can create intimacy. When I first started writing about this, I mostly felt the opposite. Boundaries create distance and space. But I’m changing my mind. Defining clearer limits on my space can create even deeper connections.
Paper cutout illustration by Eiko Ojala
III. Avoiding moral boundaries
Ever made something you’re beyond proud of? Maybe a project, a piece of art, relationship, or a child. It’s likely you poured your heart into it. You know that feeling. You envelope yourself in it, devote your time and attention to it, intertwining you and this thing until it becomes you. There is no boundary. You become your work and your work is you.
Art and artist are the same.
And in today’s world, I see that as a problem. With documentaries like "Leaving Neverland” and “Surviving R Kelly”, the #MeToo movement, and the transparency of social media, we’re more exposed to the deeply disturbed personal lives of celebrities and artists.
The more these stories are revealed, the more we’re asked to set boundaries between art and artist. So when an R Kelly song comes on ("Remix to Ignition" included), are you going to skip it? Can you listen and dance to MJ without supporting him? What do you do with your old Cosby album? Do you stop watching Project Runway and trash Pulp Fiction (both produced by Harvey Weinstein). Ughhh, setting boundaries is so hard, right? Here’s the thing. “Hard” is a cop-out.
Setting moral boundaries is not about “hard.” It’s about fear.
We’re afraid of two things.
One: we’re afraid of being unpopular.
When we set a moral boundary, we draw a line that says not everyone can just do whatever they want and we’ll be ok with it. It means that your line might be different than someone else’s. Which means that someone may be offended. Which means someone may not like you. And we want to be liked by everyone.
In supporting Israel, I have to be okay accepting that some people will vehemently disagree (hate me?) and some people will challenge me on certain issues and find the edge of my opinion (e.g. “Is Israel justified in building settlements?”... “How do you feel about Israel withholding medical aid in Gaza?”).
So many of us keep our moral boundaries messy, conditional, situational, and blurry. But the irony is, the more clear your boundaries are, the more you’ve already defined where you belong. It’s just feels shitty to exclude people… at first.
Two: we’re afraid of facing ourselves.
Setting a moral boundary means that we need to have an opinion. Which means we need to be able to articulate our thoughts. Which means we need to first be aware of our thoughts. And when we become aware of our thoughts, we may quickly realize that our thoughts and our actions are in conflict.
We’re all hypocrites in some way. I can’t say that I don’t eat meat for environmental reasons, and then also have a leather wallet, let the hot water run and do the 1500 other things I do regularly that are probably not good for the environment too. But I do.
It’s easier to not define our opinions than to face the fact that our opinions, thoughts, and feelings may be in direct contradiction to our actions.
We’re all able to draw our own boundaries. And yes, it’s challenging and scary. But not defining what you stand for– what you’re willing to allow as acceptable–means that you’re not willing to face your own opinions and realizing you’re just trying to please everyone.
There’s a great quote that says, “I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.” Very true. But it was spoken, ironically in this context, by Bill Cosby.
Did I just cross my own boundary? Shit.
Illustration by Shout/Dutch Uncle
IV. Facing Existential Boundaries
My grandparents, both of who passed away, had very taxing last years. Over the course of 20 and 30 months, they slowly lost their memories, then motor skills, and in their last few weeks, they were bedbound. First my grandfather, then 2 and a half years later my grandmother. It was draining on my family financially, physically, and emotionally. Now, two and a half years after my grandmother, our family is having to endure it again.
It’s driving conversations in the family about how we want to live our last year. In short, we want to have as much of our full mental and physical capacity as possible–to maintain a quality of life. We all want to be present and alive and autonomous in enjoying our lives as much as is possible.
But it’s not always possible. Think about it this way, enjoying life as much as possible not always compatible with living a long life. At some point in our lives, we may face the choice to either live longer or live fuller. Not both.
At some point in your life, you may be faced with deciding on another round of radiation or chemotherapy. One more surgery. One more experimental medication. Given the distance to when this might actually happen, the choice seems easy.
We’re likely to be faced with drawing this boundary between life and death. And we should consider these questions:
Does it feel like giving up if you say no to these treatments in favor of living your last year out of a hospital with your hair and your memory and the energy to travel? Does it feel like victory if brain surgery and radiation work so you can live an extra 3 years living in a half-coma, in a hospital bed in your living room surrounded by your family?
We don’t always consider what’s on the other side of this choice because the story we are told is that science will fix us. But my experience has been that after a certain point, nothing can fix us. It may seem depressing, but it’s real.
A majority of us will have to make this choice. Maybe for ourselves. Maybe for a parent. Maybe for a partner. It's worth considering where each of us would create the boundary and what would be enough today or 20 years from now to say we lived out our best life?
Define the limit for yourself, and then do the work of having the conversation with your parents and partners.
While you still can.
Photo Illustration by Stephen McMennamy
V. Thank You
Thanks for making it to the end of the refrigerator. I hope you learned something or can think about something in a new way now. As always, I’d love to hear from you if you just reply. Or if you think you know someone who would love it, share it.
With gratitude,
Jake
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