Three Marriages - 002
Gif Illustration by Markus Magnusson
Hey friend!
Welcome back to the Email Refrigerator.
At the very end of 2017 I read a book called The Three Marriages by David Whyte. The ideas in this book have gone on to shape the philosophy and mission behind Caveday and much of my life. The thesis behind the title is that each of us has three marriages in our lives– to ourselves, to our partner or social lives, and to our work. And the goal is not to make sure that each of the three are in equal balance. It’s to recognize that those three branches come from the same tree– if one marriage is dysfunctional, the other two won’t work.
Ever work an 80+ hour week? Hard to manage taking care of yourself or a healthy relationship with your partner.
(Still) inspired by the book, this month’s refrigerator comes in three chapters: self, social, and work.
Happy snacking.
Self Portrait Painting by Alyssa Monks
I. Self - Captain My Ship
“So I’m in the backseat of this taxi in the middle of Beijing and we’re approaching this massive roundabout. Ahead of us, hundreds of motorcycles and scooters circle around the park in a swarming chaos. We near it and I’m terrified that we’re about to mow down a dozen cyclists in a bloody mess of wheels and gears and motors. The taxi accelerates into the roundabout and I’m bracing myself for impact.
But what happens is not what I expect.
We merge into the road and the bikes somehow and seamlessly make room. Things rearrange and traffic just… absorbs us– moving around at the same pace. And that’s how I’m thinking about my coming year: I’m trying to add something that I think just derail all of my other plans, but I’m trusting that in the merge, things will find a way to coexist.”
I sat down with my friend Robert a few weeks ago to discuss our goals for the coming 2019 year and he shared this story. I do this every year: meet with a handful of friends to talk through our reflections of the previous year and share our plans and goals for the coming one. Having conversations help me to talk out some of my own ideas; because if I can’t explain it out loud, then it’s not a sticky enough idea. And the more I talk it out, the more I internalize my vision for the year. I also listen for insights and metaphors. This one about the taxi in China was particularly memorable.
But it didn’t quite fit my vision for my year.
So we kept talking, and I shared my goals for the year and reviewed my process and lists from years past as context.
Robert cuts me off. “It seems like in years past you’ve been able to muscle the wheel a little bit and get what you want done. Push your way through the waves and storms. But this year, with a baby and some serious career transition in mind, you need to furl your sails when the storms come and ride it out. Pack light. Don’t capsize. Captain your ship.”
I love this metaphor.
It’s become my 3 word thesis for the year: Captain My Ship.
Don’t try and force too many things into my days and weeks. Be present and adaptable.
Packing lighter means focusing on fewer priority goals.
Give myself some compassion and flexibility when things don’t go exactly as planned.
Embodying a captain, I’m learning, is a prestigious but challenging job. It’s navigating in the face of weather and the unknown. It’s keeping morale high when the crew has cabin fever. It’s staying up all night when there’s work to do, and taking time off when there’s not. It’s keeping detailed logs and documenting everything that happens (check).
This year, I have set out to captain my ship.
It’s probably not the right thesis or metaphor for you. That’s ok.
You may not have a thesis or metaphor for 2019. That’s ok, too.
But if you’re looking for one, keep your eyes open. There are stories and metaphors and people in your life that have the answers if you’re listening for them. These synchronicities don’t only show up in December. Or January. Or when you’re looking.
They’re there if you look.
Illustration by Alex Solis
II. Social - Friends I Saw in 2018
Friends I Saw in 2018
Throughout 2018, I kept track of every friend I saw in person and every phonecall I had. It might seem crazy. It was a little crazy. It all started around an argument I had with a friend around whether or not we saw each other “a lot”. What does that mean? What does it mean to you? Reflect on this: what would it have meant in college to see your friends? 200 days a year? 300? What about your family in high school? 300? 350? What about now?
These questions drove me to keep track with photos and a spreadsheet of every interaction with friends. And I’m going to do it again in 2019 because it was such a powerful experience.
Keeping track gave me a new perspective and newfound gratitude for the people in my life. There were also some big surprises and unexpected insights. What about the friend that started this whole thing– how many times did we hang out? What about YOU– how many times did you and I hang out in 2018?
Read the full article here
Gif art by David Ope
III. Work - Learning About Learning
6 months ago, I didn’t even know that internal “learning & development" was a thing– a department to help build stronger teams and healthier work cultures. And now, I’m focused on this kind of work. The next few months will be like an internship for me. I'm hoping to meet as many people as I can and make an impression.
That’s where I need your help.
Do you know of any opportunities in internal learning & development?
Or do you know people that do this kind of work?
I’m hoping to find work where I interview teams, identify gaps, and design learning programs, workshops for them.
One of the big insights I’m exploring is how to close the gap between creative and creative leader; the jump between “maker” and “manager” is a huge one in the creative world. And I believe I am uniquely qualified to design ways to train better creative leaders.
Thanks again for reading this and sharing your thoughts.
-Jake
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